As you approach mediation, there are things you can do to help you remember your good intentions and focus your mind on how you are going to behave and respond to the other person, when the time arrives.

In this article, I want to give you some things to think about and do, as your mediation session approaches.

Clearly, your frame of mind is very important.

First, it is worth reminding yourself of your intentions, referring to your statement of intentions and the guide my guide about this, which you can share with the others in mediation.

It is also worth ensuring that you feel as calm, and mentally present, as you can be and consider using meditation and mindfulness techniques to put you in the right frame of mind.

Have a look at my guide- detaching from emotional pain and choose some the techniques that work for you.

It is also worth revisiting what I said in a previous article in this series about the importance of listening to your inner voice and what it is saying to you about yourself and the other person, as you approach mediation.

You need to build a clarity about your important values, carefully considering what you want and need from a practical, psychological and emotional point of view and, importantly, why these things are so important to you. What are the values behind your objectives?

With this in mind, I refer you to my ‘values sorting’ exercise in pdf format on my websiste to help you sort out the values at play within you and those of most importance to you, which will be influencing what you need for yourselves.

We also recommend that you have a look at the list of needs on the same webpage. The aim is to identify those values and needs important to you, which will be driving and influencing your behaviour.

With this in mind, you may already have completed our pre-mediation questionnaire If not, please have a look at our series about completing your pre-mediation questionnaire to help the mediator, before mediation starts.

Doing most or all of these things should go a long way to helping you to keep your mindset and approach, in mediation, aligned with your values.

Remember,  the enemies of self- righteousness, self- justification, self- entitlement.

Beware of the voices inside your head that tell you that

·        He should

·        She is suppose to

·        I deserve to

·        I am justified in

·        I have a right to

These kinds of thoughts and these words can inadvertently transform your intention to make a request, into demands and, before you know it, that is how they come out of your mouth.

These words are all conscious barriers to positive connection and empathic communication.

You have already heard me say, when we frame our needs and the needs of others, with these ‘defensive’ thoughts, perceptions and beliefs, we are quite likely to judge, blame and even punish others if they do not do what we ask or, at least, this is how they are likely to feel.

If you are struggling with thinking how to phrase your requests, without the other person perceiving these as demands, read my previous article about this.

As well as intentionally focusing on our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, it is crucially important to spend time imagining how the other person might be experiencing things and what they might be needing from you.

This will enable you to feel more empathic towards them as you attempt to understand and connect with their experience. I cover this at some length in my previous article of this series- understanding and connecting with others, in mediation.

I gave you an example of this and the importance of trying to imagine what the mother might have been feeling and needing from you, given what she had been told by the neighbour about your behaviour, given how worried this might have made her feel about her son, given how she might be feeling about you and given her sensitivity to criticism from you and others. Step into ‘her movie, her reality, how this might make her feel, her shoes’.

Building an awareness and understanding of how your behaviour might be impacting on how the other person is behaving and, importantly, behaving towards you will enable you to more accurately rehearse the following before mediation;

·        How to respond in a way that positively influences the other person’s thinking and behaviour towards you

·        How you would prefer to respond if and when their behaviour triggers you.

Doing this is, of course, all well and good but there is often an intense emotional context affecting your thinking. I completely understand this which is why I have written an article focusing on the need for self-restraint, in mediation, which you may want to read a few times before you come into mediation.

In conclusion, the objective in all this is not just to get good with the mechanics and skills so that you get what you want in mediation but to create a mediation environment and connection with others, built on openness, honesty and empathic dialogue.

The ultimate intention and overriding objective must be the quality of the communication, whether as parents trying to co-parent your children or work colleagues trying to work on important projects together or other important relationships.

Finally, in terms of questionnaires, you might also find it useful to complete the questionnaires I have called- analysis of self and analysis of other, which should help you to build a better understanding of why you think, feel and behave the way you do towards your former partner and they to you.

If you have read this series and are doing your best to improve communications, you have my complete respect.

Keep doing what you are doing.

Good luck and thanks for taking the time to read this.