Genuine requests and ‘camourflaged’ demands
When someone believes and feels that you are making a demand of them (or telling them what to do), they have two options, submit or rebel.
Both serve to trigger a counter response of submit or rebel and, so it goes on, the cycle of conflict.
In such circumstances, I often hear the accusation that the person asking the listener to do something or change something is being controlling and coercive.
Requests are perceived as demands when the listener perceives they are being blamed, judged or punished or, an important aspect of their identity or interests are being threatened or challenged.
I emphasise the word PERCEIVE because, of course, whether that is your intention or not, their perception is their truth and the driving force behind their behaviour.
When they have this perception AND it is not something that you intend, there is a miscuing, misperception or misunderstanding, which can feel very frustrating to each of you, for very different reasons.
The more likely a person perceives they are being blamed, punished, judged, controlled or made to feel guilty, over a period of time, for not doing what others demand of them, the more likely they are to become very sensitive and vigilant to perceiving and hearing a request as a demand.
These people are often labelled as ‘ hyper vigilant or hyper defensive’, perceiving any request as a criticism, complaint, demand, or judgement especially if it is not something they have thought about for themselves (and they need to feel and be in control)
What do I mean?
Well, for example if you want something from your former partner or work colleague, you ask for it very carefully and sensitively (framing it as a request) BUT, blame or judge them if the response is not what you wanted or expected it was, by nature and intent, a demand.
We all know the ‘smooth talkers’, the charmers, who seem easy-going and polite, whilst everything is going their way, but, the moment it is not, they turn on you, behaving very defensively.
We can help people perceive our requests as just that, a request not a demand by emphasising, upfront that we only want them to comply if they want to;
Would you be willing to, rather than ‘ I would like you to’
So, for example;
A says, Would you be willing to give me some time to spend with my sick brother this weekend.
B replies, Would it be possible to do this as well as spend Saturday afternoon with the kids.
A is visibly unhappy with this response expecting complete unconditional agreement from B.
Remember ,we tend to get what we expect;
The more likely we are to hear or sense non-compliance with our request as rejection the more likely our requests will be perceived as demands. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy?
B responds when she sees A unhappiness;
You never seem to have time for the kids. You are always at your brothers
However, the most powerful way to communicate a genuine request is to empathise when we don’t get the response we want or expected.
Instead B says;
I can see that something is bothering you (be curious, caring, empathic) Or
I can sense something is going on for you, do you want to talk about it
A replies;
My brother has not be looking well recently. I know that he wouldn’t say so, but he is missing my company. I think that he would love a visit. I am of course happy to spend time with the children, it is just that I think that you don’t like me to be away at the weekends, so I feel a bit conflicted………
Understanding why A is feeling this way and what he is needing, B replies;
Ah, I am so sorry I didn’t see this. Of course, we must makes some time for you to see your brother. That is really important for you both (empathy in action).
We demonstrate that we are making a genuine request rather than a demand by how we respond when others don’t respond in the way we want or expect.
Be clear with yourself about your intent and objective
If your objective is to get our own way (because you need to feel in control) you are likely to fail, in mediation.
For a successful outcome, each person in the conversation needs to trust that the intent and commitment is to the quality of the communication and relationship (parents, work colleagues) and that it is about considering and meeting every body’s needs, not just their own.
Without communicating a clear good intention and commitment you are more likely to ‘ run a ground’ Read the importance of statements of clear intent and purpose which I write about in another article in this series.
So, if you are asking for something from someone who is particularly ‘defensive’ try this approach;
Would you be willing to tell me how I can explain what I need from you without it sounding or feeling to you like a demand, or that I don’t care about what you think or feel, because that is certainly not my intention.
We need to be able to say what we would like from each other without either of us feeling like we are being controlled or coerced (or whatever it is the other person complained they felt like)
Try this approach (make the words you use, your own);
When I explain to you what I would like or need more of, I am not saying that you have to do it or I will make your life hell if you don’t.
It is really important to me that we can hear each other’s requests, as requests, not demands and I need your help with how I can express this better so that you don’t feel I am trying to control or force you to do anything.
This way you will come across as open, honest and authentic, a hard combination to resist.
When thinking about and preparing to make requests, in the lead up to a conversation, it will help to reflect on and scan your mind for the kind of thoughts that can inadvertently transform requests into demands and before you know it, that is how they come out of your mouth.
Read my article about managing angry responses, ‘sticks and stones’
Watch out for the following way of thinking;
• He should …….
• She is supposed to
• I deserve to
• I am justified in (self-justification)
• I have a right to (entitlement)
These words and thoughts are all subconscious barriers
When we frame our needs with these thoughts, perceptions and beliefs, we are quite likely to come across as judging and blaming and even punishing others, when they do not do as we ask.
On a final note, the objective is not to simply to get good with the mechanics and skills so that we can get what we want but, to build a relationship and connection with those with whom we wish to and need to build a good relationship and connection based on openness, honesty and empathy.
The ultimate and overriding objective must be the quality of the relationship, the alliance, regardless of the responses received to requests made.
Good luck