Building understanding and ‘Connection’ with the others in mediation
Once you are clear about what you will need for yourself and how you might ask for this from the others, in mediation, you are likely to feel better equipped to imagine and explore what unmet needs might be driving the other person’s behaviour and what they might be needing from you in mediation, to improve the quality of communicate.
This is a different lense through which to observe the other person’s behaviour and understand what is driving their behaviour so that you can, discuss this with them, empathise and offer to support them, in a way that connects with theirs and your values, helping each other to improve the way you communicate and make decisions together, in mediation and beyond.
The fact is that as you develop an awareness of your own unmet needs, you are likely to become more open and aware of why the other person might be behaving in a certain way and more willing to acknowledge and explore this with them.
In simple terms, once you get in touch with your own unmet needs, this space, I talk about, opens up in you to begin to consider theirs.
In their book, Building Agreement, Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro refer to these needs as ‘core concerns’ that, when met, open up the way to better communication and decision making.
Of course, many who start mediation have a story or two to tell about how the other person has been acting and behaving towards them which is often told from the perspective of judgement and blame, right and wrong without accepting any or, at least, very little responsibility for the situation they find themselves in.
This is the point at which one must tread very carefully because, as I have said previously, this blame and judgement (conflict) narrative may be protecting the person from feeling the need to take some responsibility for their situation especially, when they are feeling very fragile, vulnerable and defensive.
However, it is imperative, before coming into mediation, that each person asks themselves the following types of questions, about the other person’s perspective and what THEY might be feeling and needing, in the story being told to the mediator.
- When you did what you did or said what you said, how do you think the other person might have interpreted and made assumptions based on this interpretation, knowing what you know about them?
- What do you believe they may have felt about you at this point, when they behaved this way towards you?
- If you believe that they might have interpreted your behaviour in this way and feel this way about you, what needs do you think are not being met for them which may be driving their behaviour- (As in the previous article, I invite you to consider whether these may include the need to feel listened to, appreciated, included, respected and, so on.)
Again, have a look at the needs list to see whether any of these resonate with you.
You will find a more detailed list and sequence of questions about the other person as part of the online series-creating a parenting plan.
You can easily adapt this for your own situation to help you focus on this preparation stage of mediation and how, by connecting with the other person’s values and unmet needs, you can begin to positively influence their behaviour and choices.
Using this approach, and based on your knowledge of the other person, you may begin to recalibrate the assumptions you have been making about them and their behaviour and begin to see them in a different light.
Although it is difficult to know exactly what needs are not being met for the other person, without exploring these with them in mediation, you can begin to imagine, more accurately, the kind of unmet needs that might be driving their behaviour, which you find so difficult to deal with, and begin to connect with them at a core value and shared humanity level.
In a later article, in this series, I talk about the importance of rehearsing these things in your mind and with your divorce coach before mediation.
I have witnessed that the result is often a greater feeling of openness and willingness to make changes to your own behaviour for the sake of a better relationship and communication, as well as feeling empowered to ask the same from others.
In the next article- Part 6 of 11, I write specifically about anger, how to manage it and express it in a way that is less likely to derail mediation.