Mediation is about co-operation and collaboration, not coercion, SO if your intent is to come into mediation to get what you want, at the expense of others (to win) , mediation is bound to fail.

I begin the article with these words because I am sometimes surprised by the number of people who come into a process like mediation, rigid in the notion and believing that they will achieve what they want to achieve using coercion, judgement and blame.

I realise, of course that it might sometimes feel like an uncontrollable driving ‘urge to react’ to the situation with blame and judgement because, quite frankly, if others are not to blame, who else is to blame for your predicament, you?

Simply put, judgement and blame are defensive behaviours, behaviours designed to protect ourselves from having to take some responsibility for our behaviour and the situations we can find ourselves in.

Blaming and passing judgement lets people of the ‘responsibility hook’ and are often central to people’s narratives (their ‘back stories’) when they come into mediation.

The blame narrative goes something like this;

When we lose our tempers and behave in a way, we’re not proud of, it is not because we are ‘intrinsically bad’. We act in this way, because someone else made us. They provoked us. They are to blame.

Two things immediately spring to mind, when I hear this.

First, by saying this, are we not handing over power to the very person we are blaming for our behaviour, suggesting that it is this person who decides our mood from one moment to the next?

Of course, it is easier said than done to maintain composure all the time, when you feel challenged or attacked, but you are going to have to find some managing your emotions, if MEDIATION is to work.

The mediator will help you to do so. I talk in more detail about the subject of self restraint in another video in this series.

Second, no one is asking you to be purely rational, of course, but there needs to be a healthy balance between the rational and the emotional response.

Herein lies one of the main keys to successful mediation communication and decision making; the need to be able to behave in a way that is aligned and connected with your values, as well as connecting with and encouraging others, in mediation, to do the same.

At the heart of a successful mediation is the need to communication with each other at a level that connects with and ‘speaks to’, as it were, each person’s core values and needs.

If you want another person to behave differently towards you, they will need to see and accept the value and benefit in doing so. This approach requires a degree of empathy with one another, applying our rational as well as emotional brain. I talk much more about the importance of cognitive and emotional empathy in other videos and articles.

So, how do you do this?

In mediation, this process starts with clarifying for yourselves and each other your intentions and main priorities for mediation.

For example, if you and others in mediation can clarify, agree and ultimately demonstrate to each other, in mediation, a clear intent and commitment to sort things out together, in a principled way, connected and aligned with every ones’ core values, you will be well on your way to communicating and resolving things together.

Clear, meaningful statements of good intent will provide a solid foundation, starting point and focus for the conversations that are going to take place in mediation.

They provide an anchor, if and when things get a little tough. They keep everyone connected to the core values I am talking about. They will guide you and others in mediation, towards a principle based approach and solutions (They are your compass).

So, when you feel yourself or the other person or both of you, reacting angrily, resorting to judgement and blame, insisting that your views are the correct ones, ask yourselves some or all of these questions:

• What are we actually trying to resolve or solve here? Or are we simply caught up in a pattern of needing to feel right to feel OK, in the world? The communication patterns we bring into mediation can feel very compelling and, at times, impossible to overcome.

• What is it about needing this outcome that makes it so important to me or the other person (in other words; how do they relate to and connect with our core
values and needs) and are therefore causing me, or the other, person to react in this way?

• How can we have a better conversation that gets to the bottom of what is important to each of us, aligned with and connected to our core values and needs?

I guarantee (and I am reluctant to offer guarantees in mediation) that if you set out in mediation with clear and shared deliberate intention and focus to do the following, you are more than likely to succeed;

• intently listen for feelings being expressed, hearing these primarily as ‘indicators of unmet needs’, connected to core values and concerns. These could simply be the need to be listened to, understood, appreciated, respected and so on.

• to be curious, respectful, sensitive and willing to acknowledge the feelings being expressed by the other person(s), seeing these as indicators of unmet needs and not as personal attacks therefor leaving yourself more open to being curious about what might be causing this.

• explore and get to the bottom of what each person in mediation is there for and needs for themselves and from each other, so that you can have a conversation
about what really matters to each person, what you each value/need.

• Continually think about how your behaviour may be influencing how the others in mediation behave towards you, which is what I refer to in previous videos as your external ‘awareness’.

I do not for a moment suggest that these things will be easy to do but what I am saying is that a clear, articulated and written down statement of intentions for mediation aligned with your core values and backed by a commitment to do them, is a great starting point.

By now I am sure you will be saying to yourself, ‘give me some examples of what these kinds of value aligned statements of intent might look like, sound like and feel like’.
Although you will find a list of example statements of intent on our website for you to have a look at and think about, it is absolutely key that you prepare your OWN clear statements of intent, using your own words, based on your own values and what is important to you.

Write down your intentions and share them with those closest to you, people you trust.

Chat about them. Make sure that they feel authentic to you, aligned with your values, so that you can explain this to each other, in mediation.

Do this and you will be well on your way to a successful mediation.

In my next article and video, I talk about how to get to the bottom of and connect with your own needs and unmet needs, building an awareness in you of what is likely to influence your behaviour in mediation, in both a positive and negative way, so that you can make some different choices and unlock that cycle of conflict you feel caught up in.