What determines whether conflict often associated with separation and divorce—a pervasive and naturally occurring event—moves in a constructive or destructive direction?

Constructive conflicts are defined as those which result in mutually satisfactory experiences of the processes, relationships and outcomes associated with the conflict for all involved parties.

Destructive conflicts are the opposite, in that at least one of the parties involved experiences dissatisfaction with the conflict.

So, logic dictates that those involved in conflict would benefit from engaging in a resolution process where the focus is on satisfying as many of the needs and interests of all those involved ie mediation.

Many, if not most of the conflicts we all face have the potential for satisfying, constructive outcomes for all.

However, this potential is often not realised because of our tendency to see most conflicts as win-lose and the anxieties we often feel when faced with conflict which tend to generate a fight or flight response.

This win-lose perception of conflict and associated anxieties leads many to seek out those who they believe can best support them in this ‘fight’ which tend to be lawyers rather than mediators.

Also, the current adversarial legal systems feeds into and it is still one of the reasons why we are seeing so many people ploughing ahead with court applications on their own because they cannot afford a lawyer, despite the availability of free mediation for many of these people.

Another reason, may of course be that these same people are not aware of the availability of legal aid for mediation so we need to make them more aware.

It is a fact that good cooperative relations facilitate the constructive management of conflict and the ability to handle constructively the inevitable conflicts that occur during cooperation, which facilitates the survival and deepening of cooperative relations.

In a nutshell, choosing a neutral facilitative route like mediation to resolve conflict and divorce outcomes, leads to an upward spiral of more and more co-operative relations necessary for example, to manage a constructive long standing post divorce parenting relationship.

Conversely, choosing court as the combative arena to resolve post divorce issues can lead to a downward spiral of negative energy, years of resentment and unresolved conflict which is likely to damage the physical and emotional development of children as they grow up, caught in the middle of two warring parents.

I often my divorcing clients two simple questions at the outset;

What outcomes do you want for yourself and your children?

Which process is most likely to lead to these outcomes? Mediation, a lawyer-led process (collab, round table etc), court, DIY or a combination of any or all of these.

Whether they think they are capable of mediating is a different matter and one I explore with them in some depth but I need a commmitment from them and all of us moving in the same direction, focusing on conflict resolution, from the outset. We can then get to work….

If you would like to know more about our Mediation service, please feel free to contact us.