It might sound strange but in mediation much of what we focus on is the fear, concerns and frustrations our clients are experiencing. Not for the sake of it, obviously but because the answers and positive outcomes lie in dealing with these.

In most cases they need to be heard and understood before much progress can be made. We then need to find ways of working together to alleviate these.

The process of separation creates a range of fears and emotions including the fear of;

What people might think and loss of friends.

Fear of being alone

Fear of being poor or struggling financially

Fear of losing the relationship you have with your kids

Fear of change

Fear that it will end in court

Fear of what it all might cost

Fear of agreeing to something which is not in your interests.

And they go on….

These are all very real. They may be different for both former partners but you can bet that each of them is experiencing many of these. It is the last fear that i want to focus on.

I am often asked as a mediator whether I will tell the couple what I think is a fair financial outcome or a common child arrangement especially because they know that i am also a family solicitor. The problem is that no outcome is neutral. It will be perceived as favouring one or the other, however marginal, in which case, bang goes my neutrality.

Anyway, who is the best judge of fairness in your circumstances? I would say, you are. Let me tell you how mediators approach this question.

At the time of separation people often become acutely aware of their own interests, not surprisingly and often at the expense of the other person’s interests. The truth is that if two people are going to be able to reach agreement, that agreement must represent most of what each person wants even if they do not get everything they want.

Ask yourself, are you the person who goes into a sweet shop with a friend to find that there is only one of the kind of sweet you both love but you offer it to your friend or are you the kind of person who will make a dive for it. Self interest is a powerful motivator but the decision is yours to make.

It is somewhat counter intuitive, but if you offer your former partner some of what they want, which they know you also want, the more likely they are to offer you something you want which they would also like.

This can be a very difficult thing to do especially when you are dealing with someone who may have betrayed your trust, hurt you very much and who you may want to hurt back.

The mediator is there to help you manage these emotions whilst focusing on the practical things necessary to sort out on separation.

The alternative course of action is why our courts are so full of people wanting ‘to win’.