‘Sticks and Stones’​- Managing strong emotions in ‘difficult conversations’​

‘We are never angry because of what others say and do. Anger comes from our belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment’- Marshall B Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication

As the saying goes; ‘ sticks and stones will break my bones, but names can never hurt me’

If you really want to be able to manage your anger, in mediation, you will need to be able to build your psychological and emotional armoury, setting and diverting your attention and focus on to what you may be needing, in the moment, as well as listening for and paying attention to what the other person may also be needing, in the moment, rather than immediately reacting with blame and judgement.

See your defensive triggers as a positive opportunity for changing how you interact and respond to others when you are ‘hooked’

Not easy by any means but, in doing so, it might help you to think about the following;

Although someone’s behaviour may trigger your anger, it does not cause it. You do that!

So, expressions like ‘ he made me angry when he did X and Y’ simply serves to shift responsibility away from you, on to the other person, for how you are feeling. Indeed, many of our defensive behaviours are designed to distance ourselves from taking some responsibility for the situation we find ourselves in or feeling and behaving the way we are.

You effectively hand over power to them, for how you are feeling!

We live in a culture in which we learn to use guilt as a means of controlling people, using phrases like ‘ When you do that, it really hurts me’ or ‘ when you say that, it really disappoints me’.

However, the reality is that you choose what you think and feel about what someone else says or does and how you respond, even though it might not feel like much of a choice, when your buttons are being pushed.

When we judge, blame, find fault and want to punish, this causes and fuels our anger.

It is our thinking and believing that the other person is at fault, and deserves punishment, that causes us to feel angry, not their behaviour.

When we stop, at that moment of anger, and choose to ask ourselves what needs are not being met for ourselves, as well as what unmet needs might be driving the other person’s behaviour, we are choosing to connect with what we and the other person may be needing in that moment, of angry outburst.

In this way we choose to connect at a core human level, at the level of human values and needs.

We are choosing understanding and empathy over defence and attack.

EXAMPLE

Let’s look at an example of what I mean.

If someone arrives late for a meeting, a number of things can happen. How do you frame this in your mind?

You could feel angry and hurt because you need to feel reassurance that the person cares or respects you or

You could feel frustrated because you need to feel that your time is not being wasted BUT

You could also feel relief and gratitude, because you can now use this time for something else.

How does that make your feel thinking of it in this way.

In other words, it is not the other person’s behaviour but our own need for reassurance, respect or indeed, gratitude, that influences how we feel and ultimately, respond.

It is within our power to help ourselves by checking our expectations, our mindsets and reframing what has happened into a different perspective, in order to manage our response.

Albert Ellis PhD in his book, keep people from pushing your buttons, suggests a 4 step approach to manage angry responses.

Step 1– Reflect on how you are feeling and acting, in the moment. If you need to, step out of that ‘hot’ space, for a short period of reflection.

Step 2– Reflect on what you are thinking about (from 3 perspectives) which makes you excessively anxious or angry. Perhaps write it down.

What are you thinking about yourself –‘ I don’t have to take responsibility for him anymore, I have had enough, I can’t stand it when he tries to bully me’

What are you thinking about the other person-‘ he is such a liar, he never listens, I can’t trust him’

What are you thinking about the situation –‘ its hopeless, its so unfair, it can’t get any worse, it is easier to avoid this situation than do something about it’

Step 3 – Consider what to ask yourself or say to challenge your existing thoughts (mindset)-

About yourself- ‘What needs in me are not being me which are causing me to feel this way’.
About the other person- ‘What is driving his behaviour, what needs are not being met for them’.

About the situation- ‘The situation can improve if we communicate more effectively and discover what is driving this behaviour’

Step 4- Then you ‘substitute realistic preference’ for your angry thinking-

About yourself- ‘Although I am concerned by his behaviour, I am not going to make things worse by reacting angrily, I need to find a way to express what I am feeling and needing in a way that avoids him feeling judged or blamed for his behavior’.

About the other person- ‘I would prefer him to behave in a more respectful less bullying way. I need to find a way of uncovering and discovering what it is he needs to feel able to behave differently toward me. I will keep at it and simply make sure he knows that I care and want to know what he is finding so difficult’.

‘I would prefer him to behave less aggressively towards me but if he finds it too hard, I am not going to make it worse by reacting angrily myself. I will ask him to help me understand what is driving his behavior but if this doesn’t work I am going to remain calm and not add to the problem’.

This approach might sound and feel overly rationale and challenging to do, especially if you are struggling to trust or even like the other person, but it does provide you with a communication framework alongside the Non-violent communication framework, to empower yourself and the other person you are in communication with.

It is a balance between applying a rationale response, but in an emotionally connected way. This requires a ‘head (rational), heart (compassion) and guts (tenacity, resilience) approach’

Marshall B Rosenberg PhD tells us in his book- Non Violent Communication, a language for life, that at the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.

He goes on to write that anger is valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up (indicators of unment needs), to realise that we have a need that is not being met and that we may be thinking and behaving in a way that makes it unlikely to be met, if we continue to judge, blame and punish each other.

If you are able to restrain yourselves (self-regulate) from immediate reaction, judgement and blame and, instead focus your thinking on what needs are not being met for yourself, as well as working with the other person to uncover their unmet needs, you are well on the way to being able to make important decisions together, in mediation and beyond.

You may also want to watch my video, 7 strategies for managing strong emotions, part of the series on the website www.compass-resolution.com- Are you thinking about mediation?

Good luck