For this series I have consulted with children experts we, as mediators, often work with to support our parent clients and their children.

In this short article, I briefly explain ways children often respond to the separation of their parents depending on the childrens’ ages, focusing on children from 0-8 years of age

If you would like more information on this subject, apart from working with a child expert, there are many good books on the subject.

As a starting point, it is worth remembering that the pain of separation is felt in many ways, not just by you but by your children.

The way in which you, as parents, the most important people in your childrens’ lives, handle the separation will very much affect how your children cope with it.

The way children react to the separation of their parents depends on many things, but two important factors are the age of your child/children and the degree of conflict or animosity between their parents.

So, how do children behave and react to separation? 

Children are all individuals.

What I talk about in this short article is how children react in general.

Having listened to this you might feel it would be worthwhile spending some time talking with a child specialist and thinking about your child’s responses and reactions so that you feel more equipped to support them in the most appropriate way.

Children do not always communicate with words – they often act out how they feel.

Some children become withdrawn, while others may become clingy or regress and start acting younger than they did before the separation.

Some may have nightmares and others may become rebellious and difficult to handle.

These are all ways children show their distress about what is happening in their world, over which they feel they have no control.

So, what happens to children at different ages?

Birth – 2 Years

Children in this age group are highly dependent on their parents. They are in the process of forming and cementing attachment bonds to their parents.

During this period children’s brains are highly vulnerable and sensitive to their environment. The period from birth to two years old is the optimal one for emotional development in the brain.

Children will become distressed and stressed when separated from their primary attachment figure for periods of time and, because of their different experience of time, a few hours can seem like an eternity for a young child.

This needs to be taken into account when making arrangements about the amount of time these children spend with each parent.

They are also likely to fret for the absent parent, becoming tetchy or hard to comfort at times and will need frequent short periods of contact to maintain that relationship.

Exposure to high levels of conflict causes emotional distress and stress and, because of the brain’s vulnerability at this age, this can lead to primitive areas of the brain involved in “fight/flight” responses for survival, becoming over stimulated.

Children of 2-5 years of age.

During this period children increasingly more dependent on their parents.

Separation and divorce can represent a major threat to their security and they can react with shock and depression (grief cycle).

As I pointed out earlier in this article, they may show their distress through regression in all sorts of ways – in their toilet habits, eating habits and even in their language development.

Pre-school children understand and interpret the world differently from older children and adults. The distinction between fantasy and reality is not as clear and they still experience time differently- short period of time is experienced as much longer than it is for an adult.

Pre-school children are likely to be become confused and thrown by changes in routines and are also likely to blame themselves when things go wrong.

They are sensitive to criticism about either parent and may perceive this as criticism of themselves.

Children between 5 – 8 years of age

Children in his age group are beginning to be able to talk about how they feel.

Often they have a really strong wish to get their parents back together and will say and do things they hope will achieve this.

They often feel the need to stay close to the parent they spend most time with – a feeling born out of wish for security, stability and predictability in an uncertain world.

Although at this age children can and do talk more about their feelings, voicing anxieties and worries, it is still difficult for them to do so and  they will more likely express themselves through their behaviour – which can be challenging and difficult to understand for parents, especially when an interpretation of a child’s behaviour can be at odds with their verbally expressed view.

Although it can be hard to listen to, encouraging your children to voice their thoughts and feelings about the separation, especially about their wish for you both to get back together again, can be helpful to them.

In my next article, Part 3, I write about how older children and adolescents typically respond to parental separation.