If mediation is to be successful it is essential that communication is ‘good enough’ (which is of course contextual) for important decisions to be made and agreements reached together, in mediation.

I believe that for communication to be ‘good enough’, a basic understanding of the main factors (drivers) influencing the quality of the communication need to be understood by all involved in the mediation.

These ‘drivers’ are often evidenced in the pre-mediation consultation narratives, heard by the mediator in the words, language and stories from each client, in preparation for mediation, when  asked some or all of the following questions;

1. what would you like to achieve in mediation?
2. what is it about these things that make them important to you?
3. what do you believe the other people, in mediation, want to achieve?
4. why do you believe these things are important to them?
5. what do you believe is preventing you both achieving these things?
6. what would you like to hear from them in mediation?
7. what do you believe the other person would like to hear from you, in mediation?
8. what are your main concerns?
9. what do you believe the other person’s main concerns?

As you will see, these questions explore the first and second person perspectives and very often reveal to the mediator and client themselves, the main drivers, and likely barriers to ‘good enough’ communication.

For example, in a recent mediation, in which I helped two parents discuss their child arrangements, the following drivers became quickly apparent to me during the pre-mediation meetings I had with them both and again during the mediation itself.

They were both ‘driven’ by a valid and genuine desire to want more time with their son and were willing to engage in a principled and largely constructive discussion.

However, they were also both driven by their fear and concerns about losing time with their son, to each other, which often tended to polarise the conversation around the mathematical amount of time they both wanted.

In addition, one of the parents, exhibited a strong sense of entitlement in the way they attempted to exert, what they perceived as, their legal rights which was strongly evidenced in their pre-mediation narrative and back story, reinforced by some fairly unhelpful legal advice they were receiving.

I also found myself having to support one of the parents, who openly admitted to me during the pre-mediation meeting that they felt the need to punish the other parent, due to a strong feeling of anger and even hatred of the other parent, for a variety of reasons, which manifested itself, during the mediation session, in explosions of anger and lack of self restraint.

Applying, a lens (analysis) and lever (applying my analysis) in supporting my parent clients to understand what was driving their own and each other’s behaviour, they felt more empowered and were ultimately able to communicate well enough and exercise enough self restraint for a sensible mediated outcome to be reached.