Before I launch into my 5-stage framework, referred to in part 1 of this 11 part series, let me highlight some of the major emotional challenges and triggers you may encounter, before and during mediation, and how you can begin to overcome them, as you attempt to communicate with the others in the process, reaching decisions and constructing agreements together.
So often, in mediation, I find myself faced with helping two or more people, who communicate and process information very differently, who have very different perspectives and perceptions about what has happened, who feel very differently about what has happened, and who want very different outcomes.
That is a lot of differences !
As well as this ‘challenge of the differences’, my experience is that mediation rarely seems to bring out the best in people, emotionally.
It can feel stressful to have to ‘collaborate’ with someone you might no longer trust or like very much, who brings out the worst in you and with whom you are, and have been, constantly in conflict over recent weeks, months or even years.
In an ideal world, mediation requires everyone to be in a flexible, open and collaborative mindset, whereas in reality, the pressures and stress of mediation can narrow perspectives and trigger negative emotions, leaving people feeling and reacting in angry and defensive ways, blaming others and perhaps, themselves, for their behaviour.
Does the following narrative sound or feel familiar?
” I have considered all the options and thought of everything. I cannot imagine any other approaches or perspectives. You are just trying to force me to accept what you want. You are trying to manipulate and control me. I don’t trust, respect or even like you and anyway, why should I listen to you. You don’t deserve it. We wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for you”
You may recognise some of this from your own internal dialogue or, more likely, it represents some of what you feel is coming from the other person.
It is the voice of rigid and defensive, thinking and behaviour.
This voice is SO caught up with insisting that their views are correct, that they are right and you are wrong and that you are to blame, that they quickly lose the capacity for
perspective and empathy, two of the main ingredients needed for constructive quality communication, in mediation.
The person on the receiving end is very likely to feel unheard, judged and, consequently, shuts down themselves, as they listen to what they perceive as a torrent of moralistic
judgement and blame.
But, what if, instead, you hear this voice?
”I think I have covered most of the angles although I am willing to consider that there might be alternatives options or perspectives I have not yet thought about yet and I am open to exploring these if it means that we might be able to reach a solution together and avoid court. Even though you have caused me a lot of pain, I am willing to consider your perspective and accept that we are both responsible for trying to resolve things, despite what has happened. Let’s see if we can get through and sort this out together.”
How different does this feel ?
Hearing this, would you feel less angry, less defensive and more willing to try hard and share the responsibility of sorting things out together, especially if you both perceive that you are each willing to do your best, despite the difficult circumstances.
If you accept that mediation is going to be a challenge and recognise, at the same time, that will only be successful if the outcome is ‘fair enough’ from each person’s perspective, your mind and energy is more likely to get to work, focusing on how to overcome the challenges, as they arise.
In this way, you are far more likely to adopt a mindset and take an approach, aligned with your core values and principles and, ultimately feel ‘drawn back’ and answerable to these core values if you feel yourself losing your way and behaving in a way which feels uncomfortable to you.
This 11 part series of articles and video series is all about helping you to move from a conversation based on rigid, defensive thinking and behaviour to a much more flexible dialogue, based on this connection with mutual core values, in which each person in mediation feels far more willing and able to make the effort to understand each other, recognising and acknowledging the emotions at play and the need for self-restraint, when things feel a little tough.
It all begins with an understanding that, for mediation to succeed, there must be a solid common good intent and commitment to make changes in the way you communicate with each other, focusing not on point scoring, winning and being right but on recognising and connecting with the common human values at play, in each other.
In my next video, I look at how to create and build the kind of solid intent and commitment necessary for mediation, aligned and congruent with your values, which is going to help you get through the rough patches, when the going gets tough.
Good luck.