‘ I am sorry’ seem to be the hardest words

Generally, men and woman regard apologies from different perspectives

For women, it is a way of reconnecting with someone whose feelings they have hurt. They generally regard it as an important part of making a relationship work.

For men, verbal communication is associated with a concern for the way their status is regarded by others and therefore, from their perspective an apology potentially involves a damaging loss of face.

Men are far more conscious of how things they say affect other people’s perceptions of their power-or lack of it. Here’s the difficulty;

Acknowledging that he has done wrong often leads a man to feel diminished in the eyes of those who hear the apology ie a sense of loss or even humiliation.

Therefore, he is reluctant to apologise and perhaps even does not know how to craft an apology that sounds genuine

What can be done about this?

There are 6 elements to a good apology

1. Acknowledge the wrongful act/words –“ I am wrong and I am sorry”
2. Acknowledge the hurt you caused- “ I am wrong and I am sorry I hurt you/your feelings..” (there is no room for fudging it or a half apology).
3. Express remorse- “ and I feel terrible that I have done something that has hurt you”
4. State the intention not to repeat it – This can be difficult especially if your behaviour is part of a pattern of behaviour ie repeat offender but at least it is an expression of your need to reform. “I know that I can be ( a pillock) and insensitive to you and your needs and I am going to try my hardest not to do it again” (“ if I do or say something again that hurts your feelings please tell me straight away because i know that I am sometimes not aware of…”
5. Offer to make amends- “ what can I do to make it up to you or for us to continue…” Remember, once you commit to do something, DO IT!
6. Seek forgiveness – forgiving is the act that liberates the forgiver from their own anger so, seeking forgiveness is not as self serving as you think “ can you forgive me”

BEWARE THE WORD “IF” AND REPLACE WITH “THAT”

“ I am sorry if I hurt you”. Instead, use the word “that” ie “ I am sorry that I hurt you”

Reference:

Perfectapology.com

imsorry.com

John Hind

Director, Compass Resolution