THE PRECIPITOUS EVENT

Sometimes, like Benedict Cumberbatch, we do or say things without thinking about how it might be taken by others.

Recently, I jumped on the wrong train and just missed the opportunity to jump off in time before the train started moving, despite my illegal efforts to do so. Naturally, the train manager was not happy and proceeded to tell me how unsafe it was and how stupid it was. He was of course absolutely absolutely right but was I listening. No! Not only was I not listening, I was angry. Angry with the train, the train company, the train manager and, if it be known, myself.

THE TRIGGERS

There were many triggers at play here. I was angry, frustrated, embarrassed..Furthermore,when had the train last got me to London on time anyway ! So was it not now ironic that I was being told off by the same company, in the form of a train manager, who had absolutely no credibility or respect in my eyes, at that particular moment. Added to that, I was in ‘fight mode’. I am not very good at ‘flight mode’.

So what happened next?

THE OUTBURST

I vented or, as my partner describes, ‘ I went forensic’, questioning not what the train manager was telling me, because it was difficult to challenge the correctness of what he was saying, but how he was telling me. How dare he use his hand to stop me talking! How dare he not listen to my story! So, seething inside, but calm on the outside, well, probably not very, I proceeded to lecture him about how aggressive his mannerisms and use of hands were and that how he could convey the same message in a way that was more respectful and effective. He, of course, listened attentively to my every word of wisdom, not! Was he interested, no, of course not. Was my response justified, no.

I had gone on the defensive and attacked in the way I knew how designed to cause maximum damage, maximum effect.

MY MENTAL REPLAY

Train manager explains in a slightly angry way, how unsafe it is to try and open the train door as the train begins to move off. I listen and apologise. He goes onto explain in a helpful way that I can get off at the next station and pick up the train I had missed. Problem solved, stress relieved and all adrenaline free.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED

I vented at the train manager, I managed to calm down, I reflected on the exchange, I understood why I had behaved in this irrational way, I accepted that the train manager had been right in his message, I forgave myself and of course the train manager and, most importantly I apologised to the train manager for my unacceptable behaviour and if I had offended him or treated him in a disrespectful way. He shook my hand, indicated that he had understood my anger and frustration and forgave my outburst.

ALL BACK ON TRACK (as it were), LESSONS LEARNED and PROGRESS MADE.

Mediation combined with the emotional impact of separation and divorce can make it a stressful environment and experience to endure.

We all know how uncomfortable it can be to listen to a point of view in opposition to our own especially when it comes from someone we do not wholly trust or respect. In this context, the most successful mediations I am involved in are those where, despite this, the couple are able and prepared to listen and understand each other’s perspective, manage negative emotions at least for the period of the mediation session, acknowledge each other’s feelings and apologise when necessary.

In a separate blog I offer a guide to giving an effective apology.