There are many ways to manage controlling behaviour but the key, as always, is to first assess the type of controlling behaviour you are seeing and experiencing, before deciding how to respond; What I call the ‘lense and lever’ approach, taken from ‘Building Agreement’ by Roger Fisher and Daniel Shapiro

The main context we are considering here is the neutral facilitative process of helping two people in conflict to communicate and resolve their own conflict and reach their own agreements ie mediation.

First, what do I mean by ‘controlling behaviour’?

Exercising power to control another person’s behaviour in a way described in the first of these two blogs.

Let’s remind ourselves what controlling behaviour might look like in mediation

• Wanting to choose the mediator
• Wanting to form an early alliance with the mediator
• Lack of empathy
• Lack of ability to take responsibility
• A strong blame narrative
• Wanting to control the mediation agenda
• Finding it difficult to listen to opposing views
• A tendency to control by attacking
• A sense of entitlement and focus on rights……

Do any of these look familiar?

Your response will involve a degree of managing your own feelings and responses as well as sensitively managing the controller’s behaviour, without them lurching into even more controlling and unmanageable behaviours (which often occurs when they feel under stress)

The mediator starts with the advantage of being a neutral facilitator chosen by both clients, armed with strategies, skills and techniques to analyse and intervene in an objective, mutual and balanced way in order to diffuse conflict and manage any controlling behaviour.

One of the most important approaches, which needs to be carried out very sensitively and skilfully is to make the controller accountable for their views, behaviour and specifically what they want, whilst ensuring that they feel heard and understood and without making them feel defensive.

This, like so many of the mediator’s skills, is done in the first instance by listening, analysing, acknowledging strong emotions and sensitive questioning, to identify the drivers of conflict and controlling behaviour.

The controller needs to feel not only heard and understood but that their views are respected and that there is a good chance that they will achieve what they want. However, it is equally important that they understand who is managing the process and that mediation involves a commitment to a balanced exchange of views, interests and needs, if it is to be successful.

It is the mediator’s job to get all this across without ‘losing the controller’

For example, after a heated exchange, the mediator has just noticed X go quiet and suspects that they are feeling bullied and under pressure. If the mediator witnesses the controller attempting to manipulate the conversation and process, they might intervene like this;

(Looking at both participants) Look, mediation can be a tough process because it often involves hearing things you don’t necessarily agree with. My job here is to help you both get to the bottom of what you both want and need from each other, if you are going to be able to sort things out in mediation. (Mutualise, diffuse, balance, deflect, normalize…)

That will require us all to listen to each other. It is also my job to ensure that this can happen and I will need your help with this. Can I also have your permission to intervene in a way that ensures you both feel heard and have an equal chance to explain your points of view. (Mutualising, team building, frontloading..)

PAUSE, LOOK AT EACH PERSON, WAIT FOR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Before I ask Y what is going on for them when you (the controller) said that (whatever it was), could you just help me understand your thinking behind what you said because in this room and in mediation, it is important that you both feel able to be open and honest about what you want and need from each other and that we all understand the reasons behind what you want so that you can each then decide whether you feel able to give each other some or all of these things. (this discourages manipulative behaviour and encourages the exchange of legitimate views and concerns) 

So, could you explain what it is that you want from Y. I will then ask Y what she/he would like so that you are both clear about what it is that you each want. We can then look at whether either of you feel able to give each other some or all of what you each need and want.

In all this, the mediator’s tone and pace (how they say it) etc is just as important as what they say. The mediator is effectively saying, in a calm and measure way, that the controller may get what they want but not at the expense of the other person. There will have to be a balanced exchange of views, concerns, interests and needs.

The above dialogue is aimed at establishing an equilibrium in the room, redressing the balance, stressing the purpose of mediation, stressing the importance of listening to and respecting each other’s views, the importance of being open, honest and stating what the person wants and needs and the importance of the mediator’s role.

Controlling people usually resort to controlling behaviours because they feel under pressure and stress and when they do they revert to familiar behaviours which make them feel more secure. It is a fact that it is people who feel powerless and under pressure that threaten so the key is to empower the person and enable them to express their views and emotions, in the managed way I have described.

The key is to identify and understand this, work with the person, showing them that you understand them and want to help them get what they want and need. Indeed, you want to help them both get what they want and need in a practical and emotional sense to be able to move on.

GOOD LUCK