Introduction
As with most behaviour, ‘controlling behaviours’ follow a pattern which clearly reveals itself if you know what you are looking at and looking for.
“Coercive or controlling behaviour does not relate to a single incident, it is a purposeful pattern of incidents that occur over time in order for one individual to exert power, control or coercion over another”
I have been amazed, during my 25 years of working in the field of conflict resolution, how often and clearly the NEED some people have to be and feel in control presents itself in mediation.
In these two blogs, first I want to suggest some underlying reasons for this and, second what can be done about controlling behaviours in mediation.
Underlying reasons for controlling behaviours
It is difficult not to generalise in a blog of this length, but I have found that most controlling behaviours (Behavioural defence tactics) are driven by a need in a person to protect a sense of vulnerability and fragility and driven by the belief that something important (core value, social need) is being threatened- Need for respect, appreciation- to which the person is particular sensitive to.
One result is that people who need to be and feel in control often find it difficult to accept responsibility for things that happen which they feel are outside their control and often blame and find fault in the other person when things don’t work out in the way they expect.
When I ask a person how often they remember their controlling partner apologising in the past, I am met with blank stares. Never! Because of course, it is never their fault.
What is coercive and controlling behaviour
‘Coercive behaviour’ is defined as that which is used to harm, punish, or frighten a person’.
‘Controlling behaviour’ is behaviour make a person feel subordinate’
Controlling the environment and the people around them and particularly their close relationships, is one way of a person ‘protecting’ themselves because this is what it is all about, protect their sense of SELF, their self-esteem and sense of self-worth. It is also a way of satisfying their need to for superiority by subordinating, devaluing, humiliating and so on.
I have found that the better relationship a person has with themselves the more resilient, adaptable and flexible they are. The more suitable they are for family mediation.
What I often hear described by one person, the person experiencing the feeling of being controlled, is a pattern of controlling behaviour or what I will call ‘conditional or conditioning behaviour’.
In other words, the controller makes it known to the controllee, in a number of ways, and often quite abusive ways, that if they step outside or breach the ‘controlled circle of acceptable behaviour’, there will be consequences ie ‘ coercive controlling’
Controlling people are often incredibly manipulative, having learned over many years how to get what they want and feed their need to be and feel in control.
So, the controllee quickly learns what behaviours will attract which consequences so that they know what behaviours to avoid.
They become conditioned to what is acceptable and not acceptable to the controller and which behaviour will attract which repercussions.
It can be difficult for a controlling person to recognise their behaviour as abuse
Over a period of time the controlled person can become oblivious to the amount of adapting they have done and will often fail to recognise the behaviour they describe to you as controlling or abusive.
It has become acceptable to them! It has become the norm, until they step outside the ‘controlled circle of influence’ which can happen when they separate and come to be assessed for mediation.
Coercive controlling behaviour
The boundary of ‘conditional behaviour’ might be quite wide or, in some more extreme cases I have seen, very narrow where the controlling person controls every aspect of the other person’s life.
I vividly recall one pre-mediation intake I was conducting in which the woman described life with her controlling husband. She was not allowed out of the house without his permission. He decided which friends she could have and even what plants she could plant in the garden! When she stepped outside these boundaries she was beaten.
This is what we might refer to as ‘coercive controlling behaviour’. Needless to say, it was not suitable for mediation. Indeed, it is a criminal offence.
“Our new coercive or controlling behaviour offence will protect victims who would otherwise be subjected to sustained patterns of abuse that can lead to total control of their lives by the perpetrator”
The risk with this kind of behaviour is that if the controller feels they are losing control, their behaviour can become quite extreme in an attempt to wrestle back control.
‘Controllers’ under pressure usually become more controlling and, in many cases, dangerous to themselves and others around them.