You have the POWER

” There are no unresourceful people, only unresourceful STATES (which can be changed) ” NLP principle

People often want to tell me in their pre-mediation assessment meetings how unreasonable they feel their partner is being; So000 unreasonable, in fact, that their former partner won’t agree with anything the person is asking for even though the person I am speaking to are being so reasonable.

Will family mediation work?

As a result, they often conclude that mediation will not work because their partner is not prepared to accept any of what they want!!

This fails to recognise, among other things, the core and obvious problem which is likely to have more to do with, not what is being asked for but, how it is being asked for, by whom and of course the ‘competitive’ conditions and mindsets within which they are communicating, in which winning or losing has become all important. The Zero sum game.

Look how unreasonable they are. I told you so.

The person then often follows up the assessment meeting by copying the mediator into an email or text exchange with their partner in an attempt to show the mediator how unreasonable their partner is and to justify what they have been telling the mediator.

What they fail to have grasped is that the mediator’s view is likely to be;

Would you like to improve the communication?

I can see how difficult communication has become and why you cannot communicate but this is why I need you both in mediation where I can begin to work with you and help you both change some of these patterns of communication, which do not seem to be working for either of you, at the moment.

In essence, all the person is doing is to demonstrate further that their continuing attempts to communicate are failing.

You have the power to change things when separating

I ask myself, is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results, a good plan?

The separating couple are the only ones who have the power and responsibility to change things, if they really want to, and the mediator can only help, if they both want the mediator to!

Most people have the capacity to mediate in one form or another but it is the commitment that turns this capacity into the competence and resourcefulness required to be successful in mediation.