In so many mediations I ask couples what they need from each other to be met with an exchange of accusation/counter accusation, blame/counter blame for why things have not happened as they have wanted things to happen.

Blaming is of course a natural tendency aimed at avoiding responsibility for what has gone wrong.

What I do in mediation is invite each person to consider the pattern/process of communication and how this can be improved.

I am not too concerned about why it has gone wrong. The WHY is rooted in the past and invites a regurgitation of the ‘blame narrative’ referred to above. I am more interested in the way couples communicate and HOW they can improve this by changing their approach and behaviours.

This is tough and often requires courage but is being done every day of the year by separating couples who have their children best interests at heart.

Separating couples have it in their power to make so much more progress if they follow this kind of pattern when they have a proposal/suggestion to make;

First, stress that this is only an idea/suggestion you want to explore ie not an intransigent position.

(This may be a change from what usually happens ie one of you makes a decision without consulting the other because you think, ‘why should it, i am the parent’ leaving the other parent perhaps feeling, ‘ he/she completely undermines me and does not respect me as a parent’)

Before you make your suggestion stress that you are not fixed in your views and that it is important that you share views, opinions and suggestions. In this way, you are respecting the fact that you may have different views, perceptions and interests, on the subject.

If and when you get a reaction to this approach, resist reacting in ‘your usual way’, if you can. Instead, try and uncover what it is the other person is concerned about, what assumptions they may be making about you and your motives. YOU DO THIS WITH QUESTIONS, NOT STATEMENTS ie “i am having trouble understanding the reasons for your reaction or views. Help me understand what it is you are concerned about so that we can both look at how to work together on this. i accept you may have different views and it may not work for you but i need to understand why”

This approach may catch your former partner a little by surprise if it is not what normally happens. I often see at this stage a lot of suspicion about motives. ‘what does he/she want. Why are they being reasonable suddenly? He/she normally just does this or that etc”

What i would say here is that the change of approach and behaviour needs to be coupled with giving each other the benefit of the doubt that the attempts at listening, asking questions and trying to understand, are genuine. What have you got to lose? Otherwise, where do you go from there?

Assuming that you both feel that you are each making an effort and you are both giving each other the benefit of any doubt, YOU ARE SET TO MAKE PROGRESS.

Finally, it is really important that, if you are trying out new things ie new child arrangements etc, that you do so on the understanding that they must work for everyone and under review.

SUMMARY

Listen, ask questions to understand, make suggestions, invite views, opinions,discussion which respects each other, give each other the benefit of the doubt, try a new approach and be ready to reflect and pivot. if the approach is not working.

GOOD LUCK.