Conflict is inherent in virtually every aspect of human relations, from sport to parliamentary democracy, from economic activity to intimate relationships.

Yet, it can become among the most serious social problem humans face when it loses its constructive features and becomes protracted over time with no obvious means of resolution.

In terms of divorce, unresolved conflict can have negative ripple effects not only through a wide range of family relationships but also for many generations ie long lasted family tribal conflict.

The eminent peace psychologist, Morton Deutsch, explains that “conflict is like sex”. Like sex, conflict is everywhere. It is a natural state of affairs in the human condition, basic to life, learning, and love. It can be invigorating and deeply satisfying or hurtful and humiliating. It can be fleeting and insignificant or intense and life altering. Its lure can subside and remain latent for long periods of time, and then suddenly re-emerge and become the main focus of life.

The pathologies of conflict are similar to those of sex: people can become extremely conflict-avoidant or conflict-obsessed, suffer from position-rigidity or premature conflict resolution, and engage in it with extreme passion and emotionality or in an overly intellec- tualized and game-like manner. But ideally, conflict, like sex, can result in satisfying experiences for all parties involved and enhances, not impairs, relationships.

However, what then determines whether conflict—a naturally occurring event—moves in a constructive or destructive direction?

In other words, what are the conditions and processes that determine whether conflicts provide a uniquely human opportunity to learn about ourselves and others, to motivate necessary changes in the status quo, to challenge obsolete ways of thinking, relating, working, and to innovate—or result in experiences of loss, frustration or misery.

In the next blog, I will broadly explore the definition of constructive and destructive conflict, why so much of it is destructive and how we may be able to move from destructive to constructive conflict.