Will you tell them how much they have hurt me?

The simple answer is no but why won’t I?

Again, the simple answer is because as a mediator I am neutral and must act in an impartial way.

How off putting that answer can be. It is not surprising that you will be put off if you are going through the pain and loss of separation and are being told that I am not going to tell your former partner how unkind, unfair, or just what a complete sh….t they have been.

So why won’t I?

It goes to the heart of my function or role as a mediator for which you and your former partner have employed me.

You need me to keep you out of court, help and support you to reach your own agreements and all in the most cost effective and efficient way I can.

But, you still need to feel supported otherwise, at best mediation will not start and at worse it will start but break down later on and where would that leave you both and the children.

So, we mediators need to tread a careful path and fine line between supporting each of you AND both of you, in a balanced and mutually empathic way.

How do we do this? Well, in many ways which is the subject of a separate blog called ‘focus on the fears’. The crucial thing to remember in mediation is that the decisions and agreements are yours, not mine. We will help you both get there but the ultimate responsibility is yours.

We know from years of research that agreements reached in mediation stand the test of time much better than court based decisions. Why? Because, you have reached them. They have not been imposed on you.

As a mediator, I, and all the good mediators I know, will do everything in our skills tool kit to support you to make your own decisions, from carefully setting up and managing the mediation process to asking careful and incisive and insightful questions.

Our approach can be summed up in the following broad open and reflective question

How are you both going to support each other to support your children and provide them with the care and support they need as they grow up, ensuring that they develop into healthy happy adults with quality relationships of their own.