Why do so many people decide against mediation and why does mediation so often fail to produce a successful outcome.

Below, I list some of the barriers I believe many clients experience when considering family mediation as an option and face during the mediation process.

There is a natural tendency (often fed by a sense of fear and vulnerability) upon separation which is often fuelled by misunderstanding, misinformation and misperception, to seek the services of a lawyer as a first resort. This has become the cultural norm and poses in my view, the biggest barrier to the development of mediation and mediated agreements. However, much of the legal advice received from lawyers, especially at the very early stages when there is insufficient information upon which to base advice, is in fact legal information, much of which is readily available online (Govt Hub) (clear signposting needed).

Frequent barriers into family mediation include the perception/assumption by one of the separating couple that;

• Mediation is something that it is not ie counselling, therapy
• The couple have already tried to sort things out themselves so how can mediation help them? “It is too late to mediate”
• The other person will not mediate
• The mediator has been ‘chosen’ by their partner so cannot be neutral or impartial
• Their partner is unlikely to change their behaviour or position whatever the mediator does ie not listen, not trust, talk over, bully etc.
• If there is any abuse, mediation will not be possible
• They have to be in the same room at their partner
• They will be vulnerable because of their lack of knowledge (finances), self confidence, confidence in having to deal and negotiate with their partner
• The lack of support they will receive from the mediator given that he/she is neutral (not taking into account the range of mediation skills and strategies because they have never experienced it)
• They cannot afford mediation
• Mediation is not binding so what is the point
• The children’s views will not be taken into account

In summary, many individuals and couples going through separation feel that the mediation process would not provide them with sufficient practical, emotional and psychological support during their separation due to feelings of anxiety, vulnerability, fear, lack of trust and that they would be better served by having someone ‘on their side’

Professor Elizabeth Stokoe, Loughborough University has recently produced a paper for the Negotiation Journal July 2013 – Overcoming Barriers to Mediation in Intake Calls to Services: in which she focuses on the Intake call process in community mediation but in my view her research equally applies to family mediation. I know that she is currently leading a similar research project on the Intake calls to family mediation service. It is well worth a read.

Separating couples vary considerably in the level of support they want and need to be able to work together to reach their own private children and financial agreements often creating power imbalances which need to be addressed at an early stage.

Most couples want to spend as little on getting divorced and separated as possible and this motivation plays a large part in their perception of ‘value’ when measuring the support service they are offered and receive.

The wish to save costs motivates many separating couples to try and sort out their own private agreements, which is frustrated by a lack of knowledge and resources to support themselves.

Many separating couples find some of the principles and concepts (such as pension offsetting, business liquidity etc) difficult to understand.

Couples are often badly prepared when they come into mediation both in practical and emotional terms.

Many separating couples find the choice of so many process options (presented or in many cases, not presented to them by professionals motivated by self interest) and sources of information too confusing and chaotic at a time that they need clear help, support and direction.

Separating couples are unaware of many sources of support from charitable and government organisations, where to go for this and how to make the most of this support

Much of the information available to couples online takes time to find and then read. The couple often find it hard to discern what information is relevant to them at the time and then how to use and apply it

During the separation journey separating couples are likely to want and need a variety of different family professionals to meet their practical (financial and children), emotional and intellectual needs (adults and children)

Where professional support, help (and sometimes advice) is required from a range of family professionals the couple would be best served by these professionals working in a collaborative and cohesive way ensuring that the separating couple receive support from the right professional at the right time in the most efficient and cost effective way, on their journey.

The mediation process can leave many couples exposed and having to cope for themselves between mediation sessions which, too often leads to a break-down of the process.

Many clients are not clear about what is fair financially and how to take account of things like pension, businesses, inherited properties, contributions to the marriage, trust etc

Many couples are fearful about having to disclose their motivations and intentions to each other in mediation ie feeling of vulnerability.

There are of course more challenges to mediation but these and others are challenges we, as mediators need to meet on a daily basis. We therefore need to be examining and learning from research such as that carried out by Liz Stokoe, constantly reflecting on our skills, identifying training needs and the need for support resources for ourselves and our clients.

Family mediation is the right process for many more clients that end up using it and who often find themselves in court. We simply need to get better at ensuring that clients receive the right messages about mediation in a way that they can relate to and which address their underlying fears, assumptions, misunderstanding and misperceptions. We need to give them the best opportunity of truly understanding the benefits of mediation and how it can work for them.

What about giving each of them a separate consultation and one mediation session at a reduced fixed rate for both because until they have experienced it for themselves how can they truly make an informed decision about whether it can work for them.