Judge John’s letter

Today Programme 03.02.23

This morning, on the today programme, a letter from a judge in a children case, referring to himself as John in his letter (to the children) was read out on the radio and discussed. Why?

As we all know, the law requires the judge to make court orders relating to children in their best interests, taking the children’s wishes and feelings into account.

This letter made the news because it is apparently unusual for the judge to write directly to the children, in this way.

For me, the letter was a great example of how a person, making important decisions affecting children’s lives can ensure that the children ultimately feel that, at the very least, their thoughts, wishes and feelings have been listened to and taken into account by the person making the decisions.

The letter clearly explain to the children why and how ‘Judge John’ had reached his decision, in a kind, sensitive child appropriate way, using language and words the children could relate to, referring to, for example, and validating the children’s use of the word ‘crap’ when describing their parents behaviour and its impact on them.

Therefore, as well as validating his decision and decision-making process, helping the children to understand why and how he had arrived at his decision, the judge also very importantly demonstrated how he had listened to the children and taken into account their views and needs in arriving at his decision.

The judge explained that he had met with their Mum and Dad, listened to them both and made his decision based on who the children are, their circumstances and what they are both needing in terms of their education, health and welfare, stressing that he had looked at the situation ‘in the round’ ending with an appeal to the children to behave for the parents and for the parents to stop ‘the crap’ (their behaviour).

In doing this, in using appropriate language, a clear explanation and conveying empathy, the likelihood is that the letter and judge’s decision will have a far greater positive impact on the children even if it does not necessarily have the desired result in terms of the parents crap.

Professional support for children

The final part of the radio conversation focussed on the importance of children feeling that their wishes and feelings have been heard and understood and how to achieve this in often very difficult circumstances, making reference to the use of professional third parties such as the court-appointed Guardian, to ensure that the children’s interests and needs are kept central to the process and the paramount consideration.

That said the point was also made that this tends to happen in only about 50% of children related cases.

The good point was made that there are course many ways of ensuring that the children’s perspectives are taken into account whether the parents are in the court system or in a voluntary dispute resolution process such as mediation, where Direct Child Consultant can be used.

As the radio article came to an end the final important point was made that children, despite what their parents may think, often understand much more than their parents believe they do and that whilst many parents believe that they are protecting their children by ‘keeping them in the dark’ this can often backfire with the children feeling they are being ignored, as they listen to their parents arguing about them (the crap).

We all need to be ever vigilant and thinking about ways of ensuring that children are kept informed about what is going on, appropriate to their age and understanding and that they feel this to be the case.

John E Hind LLB (Hons).FMCA

Mediator, Divorce Coach, Author, Trainer