10. KEYS to achieve a successful Online Mediation outcome- KEYS 8-10
8. Breakdown (chunking) the things your want to focus on and sort out into manageable parts to work through and solve.
If, for example, you are discussing child arrangements, try to break down the subject matter into chunks of work such as;
Can we discuss when we might catch up each week for a chat about the children and agree the specific aims we might each have for this chat ie to talk about X, Y, Z relating to the children, and how we might ensure that this is successful by agreeing some communication guidelines (boundaries) for us to adhere to and what needs to happen if we find ourselves straying from these boundaries.
As you can see, this approach divides the specific topic for discussion into a number of component parts as highlighted above.
9.Give yourselves some structure, a framework and guidelines (boundaries)
Where conversations are difficult, this is one way of ensuring that you give yourselves some structure, with a framework and some boundaries.
The mediator will help you do this in mediation, but ultimately when it comes to communicating with your former partner, especially as parents, this is something you will ultimately have to do for yourselves or keep having to return to mediation or, worse still, end up in court.
10. Don’t suppress negative emotions until you explode
Don’t suppress negative emotion but express calmly, if possible, what you are feeling because something you are needing (something of value such as being listened to, respected, appreciated etc), in that moment, is not being met or you are feeling challenged or threatened in some way. Do not suppress this until boiling point and then explode!
This might be something such as you are feeling criticised, ‘told what to do’, controlled, bullied or simply ‘not listened to’ by the other person or even the mediator.
Be specific about what it is that the other person said or did which is causing you to feel this way. It may simply be a very emotive subject for you which is being discussed, about which you are feeling particularly sensitive and defensive. This is perfectly normal.
You might even find that the other person is not aware of the impact that their behaviour is having on you and is prepared to respond positively, especially if you are able and willing to calmly explain what it is they have said or done and what you are needing them to do or say differently, in that moment.
At least if you are able to explain this to them and you ask them in a calm respectful way, they then become accountable for the choices they make about the way they respond. They might not respond in a way you want them to, in that moment, but they may go away and reflect on what has been said and how they have responded and perhaps, respond more positively next time !
Good luck