How do pre-teens and teenagers respond to separation and divorce ?

In the previous article I wrote about how young children respond to their parents’ separation and divorce and specifically children under 8 years old.

In this article I focus on children from 8 to 18 years of age.

8-12 year olds

During these years children become increasingly able to talk about how they feel.

When parents split up children are likely to experience a conflict of loyalty between each parent and to feel this conflict acutely. However, putting such a complex feeling into words will not be easy for them, despite their growing emotional sophistication.

If children of this age are exposed to high levels of conflict between their parents they may try to solve the distress and confusion they feel by rejecting one parent.

Alternatively, they may try to keep both parents happy by saying negative things about one parent to the other, and this of course is so much easier to do when the children know their parents do not communicate effectively together anymore.

At this age children’s social contacts are widening beyond the family as they become involved in other interests such as sports , clubs and groups .

When organising the time children spend with each parent it is important for both parents to take account of their children’s interests and activities.

At times of change children are comforted by those things that remain the same and making sure they maintain their social and leisure commitments is important to their emotional and social well-being and development.

Wherever possible it is important for children to continue their activities whoever is caring from them. Children should never be made to feel they have to choose between seeing a parent or going to an activity!

12-16 Years

Teenagers become increasingly independent of their parents, regardless of whether or not their parents are separated.

Teenagers need space and time to work out their reactions and how they feel about their parents’ separation, and are more likely to use peers to explore their feelings with, than their parents. This can be hard for separating parents to accept but if pressurised by either parent, teenagers are likely to react with anger and rejection.

There is a lot going on for teenagers emotionally, psychologically, biologically and neurologically.

Sometimes the added stress of parental separation can feel all too much to manage for teenagers and their reactions, varying from apparent indifference to emotional melt down, can be worrying and challenging for parents.

It is important that both parents keep channels of communication open with their teenagers, even when it is a struggle to do so.

Teenagers need flexibility and an acknowledgement of their growing independence when making arrangements is essential.

Just as with 8-12 year olds, it is important to recognise your teens need to participate in normal adolescent activities and school events.

I hope that this article, and series of articles, has been helpful.

If you need more information please ring us for a free confidential chat.

Good luck.