Anxiety is a huge problem among our younger generation for many reasons especially when their parents separate. This article focuses on how parents can work together in and outside mediation to address and alleviate any anxiety their children may be feeling, as a result of parental separation.
At a recent presentation by Dr Ben Lanky, at the Devon Resolution conference 30th June 2017, Dr Lanky emphasised that, above all else, children need to feel safe and secure and feel that their parents are present and aware of them and their needs as much as possible.
This can be an extreme challenge for some separating parents when they are locked in conflict and a battle to justify and satisfy their own needs, leaving them with fewer resources to focus on active parental intervention including play, praise, reward and consistent behaviour towards the children.
It is a fact that conflict impairs a parent’s ability to be present emotionally for themselves and their children and can significantly deplete their ‘parenting resources’.
The mediation process provides an opportunity for the mediator to work with and, if necessary, educate parents about the particular needs of their children especially where their children are presenting as extremely anxious.
In mediation, the mediator can address what each parent needs for themselves and from each other before they can begin to feel safe and secure themselves and able to work together as a consistent and positive parenting collaboration.
Mediation will, among other things, focus on helping separating parents to;
- set realistic expectations for themselves and their children
- become involved in relationship building activities
- engage in respectful and empathic listening,
- avoid shaming and coercion,
- ensure that the children feel empowered and in control, remember that children almost always love both parents even when one parent behaves poorly,
- understand that children nearly always hear more and understand more than parents want to believe,
- talk about each other in front of the children in a civilised and respectful way ,
- discuss separation and changes with children in an appropriate way of remembering that children do not necessarily need to know the truth but will require explanation to counter the risk of forming destructive fantasies that often centre on blame and guilt.
At the heart of a parent’s ability to care for their children is the need to care for and respect themselves. The mediator may well signpost one or both parents to other professional resources to support them in this quest.
All in all, the main message that I took away from the talk from Dr Lanky, in relation to child anxiety and separated parents, is the need for more self-compassion and compassion for each other, as parents, so that the children experience their parents working together in a positive, constructive, respectful and peaceful way ensuring that the children feel loved, safe and secure, despite the major changes going on in their lives.
Thank you, Dr Lanky.