The key to resolving conflict are the 3 stages of self-management

No one said that this conflict resolution stuff is easy.

It gets worse because the truth is that the hard work to resolve conflict starts with YOU.

Wouldn’t you rather feel in charge of your own mood than at the mercy of the other person’s manipulations?

So, how does this self-management thing work?

The other person in the conflict does or says something that ‘hooks you’ ie irritates or angers you, to the point you that you feel that you have to say or do something to defend yourself or, worse still, to attack them, which frustratingly leads to a cycle of counter-defence or counter attack and, so it escalates leaving you both feeling disempowered.

HOW DO YOU STOP THIS so that you can both get on and focus at the practical problems you need to sort out?

First, stop yourself for a second, slow things down in your head (have you ever seen that Matrix scene where everything slows down?), get yourself back into the moment, focus on what it is you are feeling, don’t judge it, just notice it, without reacting to the hook.

This is the DISCOVERY stage.

Next, is the RECOVERY stage.

Give yourself a moment to recover your composure. This may take a few seconds, a few moments or more. If more, walk away to give yourself time depending on the intensity of reaction and level of ‘brain flood’.

Tell yourself that it is your choice whether you react or not and you choose not to! If it works, say it out aloud.

The third stage is to reconnect with the part of your brain that does not tell you to fight, run away or avoid the problem. This is the RECONNECT stage. It is the stage that you reconnect with yourself and the other person with your ‘rational brain’ in operation.

Tell the other person that you are not going to react despite how you feel at that moment and that you are doing your best to remain ‘level headed’ and might need their help to do so. Keep them in the picture with what is going on for you.

Don’t make it about them but about YOU, trying to manage your feelings. THIS IS KEY.

In return, make it clear that you are willing to work with them to avoid reacting and behaving in a way that ‘hooks’ them.

But remember, the work starts with YOU because the other person is far more likely to ‘play ball’ with you if they can see that you are committed to changing your own behaviour.

This way you make the problem about ‘the relationship’ and not the other person which reduces the chances of them feeling threatened or offended by your reaction. It diffuses the situation.

DON’T MAKE IT ABOUT THEM BUT ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP AND OVER TIME YOU WILL BUILD AN ALLIANCE

You then both begin to ‘empower the relationship’ which will, over time become a more positive constructive interaction, as you both change the way you see each other (perceptions) and your behaviour towards each other.

REMEMBER that the less you to need to rely on the other person to change their behaviour to avoid you reacting and feeling bad about yourself, the better and more empowered you will feel.

As I said, no one said that this conflict resolution stuff was easy but, it is worth it.

If it is a parental relationship you have with the other parent this work you do on yourselves will improve ‘ the relationship air’ between you. This is the relationship air your children breath and you really don’t want this to be polluted or toxic.

There are professionals who can help you both with this process and speed the whole thing up. They are the mediators, therapists and conflict management coaches of this world.

luck