How do you tell your child that Mummy and Daddy are separating?

John E Hind
Categories: Uncategorised

How to tell your child that Mummy and Daddy are separating

Depending on the age of the child, realise that this moment might be something that they will always remember – the time you told them that you, mummy and daddy, were going to live separately. It is therefore critical that the news is conveyed with caution and this is what we shall be looking at here.

Here is what I recommend you keep in mind and to have in place when and while you are breaking the news.

Chose the right time. You know your children best so you will know when the right time is. However, before bed is not really a good idea as this means that they are left with their own thoughts through the night, not the best time to digest such news. You want them to be able to come to you through the day with any questions they may have. Of course they will still think about it when the lights are out and for a long time coming but let’s reduce the pain and stress as much as possible. In the morning of a ‘clear’ weekend day can often be a good time when you can answer any questions and support your children.
Tell them together wherever possible. This may sound obvious but I come across cases where one parent takes it upon him/herself to talk to the children without the knowledge of the other. If you cannot tell them together for whatever reason, do let the other parent know what, when and how you are intending to tell the children and as you tell the children, do let them know, from the start that their father/mother knows that you are talking to them.
Agree on what you will be telling them and how you will be saying it. As we all know, words carry a lot of power and prepare yourselves for questions.

Some questions to anticipate:

Why?
Do you not love mummy/daddy any more?
Where are we going to live?
Am I changing schools?
Will I still see daddy/mummy?

Most importantly reassure them that it is not their fault in any way. Really make sure that they get this. Contrary to popular belief, not all children blame themselves but it does happen. You might have to revisit this with them again and again.
Be honest. If it’s a trial separation then let them know, if it’s definitely going to end in a divorce then let them know that too. Do not, under any circumstances, give them false hope. It is not fair on them to have to relive the whole thing again, once they realise that you will not be getting back together ever again. Do not promise them ANYTHING. If you don’t have an answer then let me them know.Tell them when you are both calm and have the time to sit through any questions or concerns that they might have. Please don’t rush through it.
Tell them when you are somewhere safe, somewhere calm and preferably somewhere familiar to them. This way there are neither new nor noisy distractions. They can concentrate on what is going on here and now. Don’t make it a “special” occasion i.e. take them to the cinema, get them whatever they want and then out to lunch in their favourite restaurant and break the news in there. They don’t need any associations with the news i.e. they don’t need to always see a Pizza Express or a Zizzi restaurant and “remember the time when…”
This is one of the times that you will need to be totally present with your child. Watch them as you speak. Watch their body language and their facial expressions. They can tell you a lot about what is going on within them. Are they fidgety, avoiding eye contact, fighting back tears, curled up? Sometimes these and other behaviours will give you a cue on when to reach out to them physically. “Come here Tom, you look like you could do with a hug right now.” There are some children who might feel that they suddenly need to look after you – “Are you alright mummy/daddy?” Don’t let them parent you this could just be their way of avoiding hearing, processing and dealing with their own anxieties, fears and worries and displacing/transferring them onto you.
Whatever you tell them make sure it’s age appropriate and use age appropriate words and language. Little ones might not understand a whole account of what is going on while teenagers may need more information.
Be prepared to have them come to speak with you at the most inconvenient time…yes, children have a way of finding the strangest time to want to discuss the most difficult things; when you’re running late for instance. Bear with them. The timing may not be the best for you but it is for your little one.

Do not, under any circumstances, tell the children to keep what is happening at home to themselves. This is very heavy news for a child to carry. You have off-loaded onto them, they should be able to do it too, to whomever they chose. They need care, attention and support from you and others around as opposed to them looking after you and your secrets. Anyway divorce and separation is like pregnancy, you can only keep it a secret for so long.

Soila Sindiyo is a seasoned therapist who helps families and children get through the challenges of divorce. A twice-divorced parent, she deeply understands the challenges faced by families going through divorce.

Her coaching approach was developed over 10 years whilst working with children and families overcome the trauma and after effects of crime. Soila today specializes in working with mums and children living with or in the shadow of divorce.

Soila is an accredited Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) practitioner and a member of the British Psychological Soceity. She has a Bsc (Hons) in Psychology and Msc in Child Psychology as well as training in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.