Our ‘short term self’ is often in competition with our ‘long term self’ especially when it comes to what we perceive as our needs and interests and how we communicate these in mediation.

What do I mean by this?

Our short term self might be more interested in short term gratification and self-interest and how to satisfy these. It is generally more selfish and self-centred.

Our long term self has a greater sense of perspective and is able to take a longer- term view. It is more reflective, selfless and empathic. It thinks more in terms of consequences and feels more accountable.

These two selves are often in competition when we are asked to consider options in mediation/negotiations that might satisfy short- term interests but damage our more long term interests.

The point of mediation is to reach outcomes, which satisfy as many competing needs and interests as possible.

Workplace

Let’s take an example that often arises in the workplace team where one member of the team has fallen out with another member of a team which, if allowed to fester, is likely to polarise and divide the whole team, as the two members look for support and alliances among other members of the team.

The short term self will look for ways at getting back at the team member who has hurt their feelings, fuelling a circular inter-action of reaction and counter reaction that defines most conflict. If left unaddressed this carries the risk of turning into a toxic cocktail of longer, more deep rooted feelings of resentment and anger, affecting the whole team.

The longer term self needs to win this particular competition. It has a self awareness that takes a longer term perspective. It is able to listen, understand and respond in a measured and balance way. It is able to look at the bigger picture, putting the team before self, thereby earning the longer term respect of other team members, strengthening the team as a result. It is able to listen to opposing views and possible be persuaded around to a different way of thinking. It feels responsible to the whole team.

Family

Let’s take a family example where two parents are arguing over the child arrangements.

The short term self is more influenced and shaped by feelings of anger, grief and jealousy. It has a tendency to attack when it feels that its views and concerns are not being listened to or met. It is more interested in things like the amount of time rather than the quality of time with the children. It is definitely more concerned with satisfying its own feelings than how the child may be feeling or perceive things.

The longer term self is much better able to take a longer term perspective focusing on the benefits to the child of a better, more productive parenting relationship based on mutual respect and trust which requires the ability to embrace differences, listen and understand different views and reach outcomes that are best for the child rather than based on anger and resentments.

The question is of course how does the longer term self win over the short term self in these circumstances and how can a mediator help?

Questions to ask yourselves and questions the mediator might ask in order to engage and empower the long term self are these;

Workplace

How might your behaviour affect the team as a whole?

How might your best friend describe your behaviour (on the basis of course that your best friend will tell you what they see and how it is)

Looking back in a year’s time, how would you like your behaviour to be described by someone else you respect in the team

Family

When your children are adults and perhaps parents themselves, how would you like them to look back and describe their experiences of your parenting?

How will your current behaviour affect your children?

How might your best friend describe your behaviour (on the basis of course that your best friend will tell you what they see and how it is) .

There are of course many other questions but you get the idea.