When your relationship comes to an ends, working with a family mediator offers you and your former partner or spouse an opportunity of working out your child and financial arrangements together, with the minimum professional intervention and cost. However, it is quite normal for the prospect of co-operating and working together with your former partner in mediation to conjure up all manner of questions and concerns. The aim of this article is to highlight how you can make the most of the opportunity that mediation provides and ensure a successful outcome for yourselves and your children?

1.    Do your own preparation

There seem to be many differing views in the public domain about what mediation is, what it is not, what it can achieve and so on, much of which is sadly quite wrong. This has and continues to result in many thousands of people every year missing out on the positive opportunities that mediation provides so, it is worth taking your time to carry out your own web research. This is free of charge and there is nothing to lose. Ensure that any perceptions and assumptions you have are correct.

2.    Get information and any reassurances you need directly from your family mediator.

Having carried out your own web research that chances are that you are still likely to have questions and concerns. Typically, you may have concerns about having to co-operate and work with your former partner in the same room, how much support you will get from the mediator and how much it will all cost (it may be free if you qualify for legal aid). These are certainly not unusual questions so talk to a family mediator about how the mediation is managed and whether, for example you and your partner can be in separate rooms if that is what is needed. You will also get a sense about the mediator and whether or not, he or she is someone you relate to and can work with. This should all be free.

3.    Don’t be afraid to give mediation a go

Once you, your former partner or spouse and the mediator are all satisfied that mediation is  suitable, you will not actually know whether it can work for you both until you try it out. The mediator will discuss with you both how to manage the mediation, making it safe and secure for you both and whether, for example you will both be in the same room or different rooms. The cost will be around £80-100 each per hour or free if you qualify for legal aid, so you have everything to gain and not a great deal to lose at this stage, especially if it keeps you out of court and proves to be successful.

4 .     Having decided to give it a go, fully commit to making it work.

Having found out as much as you can about mediation, spoken to the mediator and decided to give it a go, it is really worth fully committing to the process. Go into the process with an open mind determined to take a constructive and sensible approach. Work with the mediator and your former partner to explore any ideas you may both have for resolving your differences and look for joint solutions. The mediator will endeavour to keep you both firmly focussed on solutions for the future in respect of your children and finances.

5.    Stay focussed between mediation sessions.

Towards the end of each mediation session it is quite normal to be asked to collect documentation, find out information and work with other professionals who may be supporting you such as pension advisers, solicitors, accountants, child experts, counsellors and therapists. A successful mediation outcome is as much about staying future focussed and engaged in progressing matters between mediation sessions with whomever you are working with or whatever you are working on, as during the mediation sessions.

6.      Consider you, your former partner, the mediator and any other professionals engaged in mediation as a ‘team’ with one purpose in mind, to help you both reach a successful outcome in mediation.

This ‘team solution’ mindset may help you both to remain solution focussed and more willing to explore options for settlement which might not necessarily represent your ideal outcome or the one you started with and to do so with an open mind and without feeling threatened. Remember, the process is confidential and you are not bound by things discussed in mediation until you both want to be. Until then, perhaps consider the adversary not as your former partner but ‘the challenge of trying to reach a settlement which suits you both’. From our experience the final mediation outcomes are rarely the ones people start out with before all the necessary information is collected, discussed and carefully considered.

7.    Be ready and willing to explain the reasons for your views and opinions in an open, honest and transparent way.

Be ready to do this as well as listen to and understand any opposing views and opinions. You are not going to be forced to agree with them but you may both discover that in some areas you are not as far apart as you think. In other areas, you may simply agree to disagree. This does not mean that a successful outcome is impossible.

8.     Ask for more time to collect information and/or consider information and proposals if you need it.

It is more important that you understand any information and the implications of any proposals before you finalise them. Take time with the mediator, your former partner and any other professionals you are working with to carefully consider the implications of your preferred options from each person’s perspective.

9          Check your assumptions.

If the other person puts forward a view or proposal which you disagree with it is worth first considering what might be motivating it and what was intended by it. Ask questions to clarify things you are not sure about until you sense that you have really understood their views. Then, you can decide how to respond and which parts you agree or disagree with. If you do this, it is more likely that the other person will do the same and that the mediator will do their best to ensure that your views are understood by the other person.

10        Try to remain calm, if possible.

Try to remain calm and curious. We recognise that this maybe a big ask in mediation but if it is possible it is likely to put you in a better frame of mind to contribute in a positive way to the mediation. Feelings of pain, anger, loss, fear… are not unusual at all in mediation and some are very intense. Consider whether you need more time before you are able to work together constructively in mediation. For example, it might be necessary for you both to be in different rooms to enable you to manage these emotions and it may be possible to agree a timetable that gives you time to come to terms with what has happened and work on some coping strategies for the feelings you are experiencing. You may be able to agree some shorter term child arrangements and a temporary financial solution for example that enables you both to separate before coming back a few months later to tackle the bigger financial issues about how to separate all the finances when you feel more ready and able to do so.

John E Hind LLB (Hons) is the Director of Compass Resolution, a family mediation network in Exeter, Devon and the South West. He experienced conflict first hand as a British Army Officer in the 80’s before training in law and becoming a family lawyer in the early 90’s. He has been a family mediator for 15 years and now specialises exclusively as a mediator, family consultant, skills trainer and mediation coach. He is accredited by the Family Mediation Council, Resolution (The Solicitors Family Law Association), the Legal Aid Authority, the Civil Mediation Panel and is a member of the Law Society Family Law Panel.

www.compass-resolution.co.uk