2:40 - 3:59 - What are some of the concerns that parents have about using this service?

Some have concerns about the costs that can be shared by the parents. Some parents believe that the other parent is coaching the children...

4:00 - 5:29 - Why is it important to choose a trained child inclusive mediator?

It is important to have a trained and experienced child inclusive mediator who has knowledge about child development, at different stages, and can relate to children and have the skills to effectively communicate with children

5:30 - 9:07 - What do children say about having the opportunity to have their say?

They receive a personal letter of invitation. They generally accept the invitation to talk on their own to the mediator. ‘ You are the first person who has ever asked me how I felt..’….’It helped to have someone to listen to me.. afterwards I felt much better.’
 
Parents give positive feedback as well ‘ X looks like the weight of the world has been lifted from him...’
Sometimes it is just a small thing blocking a communication and sometimes it is such a amazingly small thing that is bugging the children which they don’t feel they can explain to their parent.
 
Sometimes it is simply the case that the right question has not been asked such as ‘ do you have any ideas what might work better?’

9:08 - 10:59 - Why can’t all parents simply be left to have these conversations with their children

Many parents do speak freely together but when there is a lot of blame or arguments between parents, children tend to withdraw and clam up for a variety of reasons.
 
It is important for the children to trust that the mediator will not report everything back to the parents and that the conversation is confidential.

9:08 - 10:59 - How is the outcome of the mediator’s conversation with the children reported back?

It is important to ask the children if they have anything particular they want to share with their parents and important that the mediator checks that they are clear about this before reporting it back. It is important for the children to feel in control. Parents can receive this message together or separately
 
There are so many recommendations from experts that children should be consulted and have a right to be consulted and considered as individuals and yet, it doesn’t happen..It is a normal process
 
Asking children for their ideas is a very normal process and can also be useful in helping to unblock their parent’s communication
 
There is a lack of understanding. Often parents think they are protecting their children by keeping them out of it but this may be because they are protecting themselves. Children often feel and understand what is going on and feel empowered by being asked for their input
 
Children need to know what is happening, what is going to happen and need lots of reassurances…They have a right to this info but often don’t get it.
 
Please be wary of taking responsibility for what you believe the children are feeling and experiencing. Give them the opportunity to express their views if they want to. You may be surprised
 
It is made clear to children that they are not being asked to decide but they are being asked for their views and input and to express their ideas. It is still for the parents to decide.
 
In a number of research studies children complain that they were never asked for their views or feelings.
 
So, let’s give the children an opportunity to have their say.

The mediator talks with the children. They are usually met together first and then separately to respect any different feelings and ideas they may want to express. Usually each child wants their own meeting
 
We do not give feedback to the parents immediately after the meeting, whilst the children wait. We arrange to meet with the parents asap afterwards to deliver messages and for the parents to decide how they are going to respond
 
Children often need a follow up meeting. They need to feel that new arrangements and ideas can be tired out. It needs step by step planning

3:50 - 4:39 - How long might the mediator spend with the children?

Usually not more than 30 mins or possibly an hour or over if you are seeing children together, separately and then together, at the end.

4:34 - 8:19 - Is there a typical approach to the children meeting?

They find it reassuring to know that the mediator already knows their family situation which helps them open up.
 
A helpful question is to ask whether the children know anyone at school whose parents are not together and what it is like for them.
 
Children often find it easier to talk about someone else...
 
The mediator can talk to the children about how they might want to express to their parents what they are feeling and their views, in a way they might find easier to express and easier for their parents to hear because children often worry about making things worse.

8:20 - 11:40 - Is there a need to put anything in writing following these meetings with the children?

Parents should not be given a written record because the meeting is confidential and the child has been promised confidentiality.
 
If a child gives a written message the mediator may read it out to parents
 
Mediators and family lawyers need to understand more about the power of Child Inclusive Mediation. This is one of the reasons why it does not happen very much. When they understand they often express positive surprise about how helpful and supportive this can be.
 
A lot more work needs to be done and resources made available to ensure that this service is more widely available and used.