In this first video, in a moment, Una will describe to you a typical ‘new partner’ scenario for you to think about and introduce the 3 main characters in this story; Sally, Tom and Kelly.
 
She will also show you and explain the Holding hands model, which we will be referring to as we talk to you about the challenges facing Sally, Tom and Kelly.
 
We will then dedicate one video to each character, exploring the situation from their perspectives, discussing some key things for each of them to keep in mind as we explore how they can best support each other as well as the children around the introduction of a new partner into the separated family dynamic.
 
In the final video, we will draw together Una’s key things to remember, as you consider how best to introduce a new partner to your children.
 
Well, that is enough of listening to me.

1:52 - 2:10 - Una, would you please describe the situation Sally, Tom and Kelly find themselves in before I ask you to show our viewers the Holding the Hands model and explain how it can help.

2:11 - 4:59 - Steven is 11 yrs old, Ruth is 8 yrs old. Sally and Tom separated a year ago. During the separation period they came up with a clear co-parenting plan. Tom met Kelly about 2 months ago. He thinks it is time to introduce Kelly to the children... This is the situation we will be talking about...

5:00 - 8:04 - Could you talk to us about the Holding Hand model...

Many parents do speak freely together but when there is a lot of blame or arguments between parents, children tend to withdraw and clam up for a variety of reasons.
 
It is important for the children to trust that the mediator will not report everything back to the parents and that the conversation is confidential.

8:05 - 11:59 - Show us around the Holding Hand model...

the main emotional need for a child is to have a secure basis and have at least 7 adults to provide this secure base.
 
Children need to feel free and secure to explore which is the top of the circle
 
The bottom of the circle represents coming back to their secure base
 
This going out to explore and coming back to the secure base is like breathing for the children. They need this environment from the adults to be able to thrive...

12:00 - 12:54 - Can we now move on to introduce Sally and have a look at the challenges facing her and some key things for her to think about as she goes about overcoming some of these challenges by reference to this Holding the Hands model.

0:35 - 2:30 - I want to start by going back to the model and the importance of the secure base. It is about the survival need, as important as air, water, food. So, when a new partner comes into the picture this can be perceived as a threat which can trigger a wide range of fears which need to be explored, some of which may be deep rooted

3:50 - 15:09 - Let’s start with situational fears. Sally might be worried that Tom might not be as available to his children. Another fear may be how available Tom will be as the big hands to support Sally, as the other parent

It may trigger in the mother a whole range of defensive behaviours many of which may be surprising to the father.
 
It is important to give the introduction of the new partner time to process and to manage it carefully.
 
One of the challenges is to help Sally clarify and express her fears and unmet needs
 
If these include past traumas it would be sensible for Sally to seek additional help and support for herself to process and heal these traumas or they are likely to continue to influence her behaviour and future relationships with the other parent and children
 
They already have a clear parenting structure. It is so important to stick to this and for Tom to reassure Sally that he is still available
 
It is important for Sally to clarify for herself and Tom what she needs for herself and from Tom. This can be difficult because Sally can feel vulnerable doing so.
 
It is worth studying the Non-violent communication model. Consider working with a mediator to communicate around feelings and needs
 
So, stick with the plan, keep a open honest healthy dialogue, let’s not overlook the need to seek outside support for oneself, build in time, space, tolerance, maintain a sense of calmness, if possible.
 
You might not be able to communicate at all. We cannot cover everything. We hope that some of the things we are talking about will be helpful. If you need help talk to us. Mediators and family lawyers need to understand more about the power of Child Inclusive Mediation. This is one of the reasons why it does not happen very much. When they understand they often express positive surprise about how helpful and supportive this can be.
 
A lot more work needs to be done and resources made available to ensure that this service is more widely available and used.

15:10 - 15:19 Can we now move on to introduce Tom and have a look at the challenges facing her and some key things for her to think about as she goes about overcoming some of these challenges

0:31 - 3:49 - I do not intend my message in this video to patronise. One of Tom’s biggest challenges may be to juggle his emotional availability between Sally, supporting her role as the mother, and Kelly with whom he is in the throws of a new relationship, which can feel overwhelming, and the children’s needs, and responding to and meeting all these.

3:50 - 6:59 - The good practice timeline guide. It is good to leave 2 years between separation and the intro of a new partner, if you are looking for a good solid long term relationship because this is how long it can typically take children to settle into their new life and feel really safe in their relationship with their separated parents. During these two years focus on be available for the children and developing a good parenting relationship with your separated partner.
 
It is also a good idea for Tom to wait at least 6 months from the date of meeting someone new and introducing them to the other parent and children to give the new relationship to move through the initial often intense stages. This will give Tom a chance to ‘land a little bit’ and have a little bit more head space and emotional bandwidth to be available to his children, other parent, as well as his new partner.

7:00 - 9:44 - Let’s talk about some practicalities for Tom. It is important to stick with the co-parenting arrangements made with Sally. When introducing Kelly start with short periods of time, doing something active, leaving longer periods when Tom is available to the children, to answer their questions and any concerns and gradually build up the time the children spend with Tom and his new partner, whilst remaining vigilant to the children’s needs.
 
The children need to feel that they remain important to Tom and not ‘in competition’ with Kelly.

9:45 - 9:59 - Can we now move on to introduce Kelly and have a look at the challenges facing her and some key things for her to think about as she goes about overcoming some of these challenges?

2:00 - 10:19 - Kelly’s perspective... It might be hard for Kelly to know what to do, when to do it within the separated family dynamic she finds herself in.
 
It is ok for Kelly to hold back and focus on supporting Tom to be supportive hands for the children rather than feeling the need to get involved with the children directly, too soon, taking the lead from Tom
 
A more challenging prospect for Kelly is to consider how she might support Tom to be a secure base for Sally and support Sally, as mother
 
Kelly’s needs to try and focus their attention and empathy on supporting Tom to support his children and Sally, recognising that Tom has this difficult juggling act to support Kelly, Sally and the children.
 
This is a tricky balancing act that takes time which is why it is important to be consistent with the co-parenting arrangement and not try to change these when I new partner comes into the scene.
 
Kelly’s challenge is to step back from their own needs and keep a sense of perspective about the impact they are having on the dynamic between Sally and Tom, and the children and support and enable Tom to be consistent in his parenting.
 
This may feel easier to do all this with time so build in time and space, remembering the recommended timelines already discussed.

10:20 - 12:00 - Other things for Kelly to think about... try and think about the relationship with Tom more long term, as a long term commitment, not something to be rushed,giving the relationship a chance to develop before bringing it into the separated family dynamic

15:10 - 15:19 - Can we now move on to the last video and pull together some of the key messages from this series from the children’s perspective

1:10 - 3:04 - The children are at the heart of everything we have talked about.. Their experience could go a number of ways. Kelly could feel like one more person to love if her introduction into their lives is done well. Or, it could go the other way, where they feel that because of Kelly, Tom and Sally feel less available to the children so they may blame Kelly for this. The risk is that the children can feel on their own in this

3:05 - 6:29 - The Onion Prop - For the children it can either feel like they are in the warm, secure heart of the onion or the onion can feel stripped back and the children feel isolated
 
I guess that each adult at the centre of the children’s lives need to ask themselves is, what kind of experience do we want the children to have and how can we work together, collaborate to support this within this changing family dynamic

6:30 - 9:19 - Other tips ?... If you, as an adult, are finding it hard, you don’t have to deal with it on your own. So, don’t be afraid to reach out for support if you need it, in your situation, to fulfil your responsibilities to yourselves and important relationships that need to be protected and preserved.
 
Take advantage of a first free consultation with Una Archer, psychologist. Surround yourselves with a good support network

9:20 - 10:10 - Well, that’s it from us, for now. We hope that you have found this series interesting and useful. I have to thank Una, once again, for her time and dedication in sharing her expertise with me and you, our viewers. If you need any help and support with introducing a new partner to your children please contact us or Una, directly. You will find her contact details on this webpage. Thanks very much for watching