A ‘Good Divorce’

With the ‘Good Divorce week’ coming up next week (28.11.22) one question in many people’s mind, including mine, is: What does ‘Good’ mean.

What would make a divorce a ‘good’ divorce?

As a former Collaboratively trained family solicitor, Divorce Coach, full time Mediator and having been through my own divorce, I must declare a Bias in my thinking, as I consider and answer the question.

Whether or not a divorce is or was a ‘good one’ is of course for the separating couple to decide and their view is likely to change, depending on when they are asked.

This question is often best asked in the future (by the couple and their children) with the benefit of ‘hindsight’ although it can also be a very powerful question to ask of oneself, in the present.

“When we look back in a few years time, how do we honestly want to be able describe how we separated in a way that we can look back and say that we did our best AND how do we want our children to describe how we separated and the experience and impact on them”

However, let’s get back to the present.

As couples embark on their separation journey it is often worth asking them what kind of ‘divorce experience’ they want to remember and want their children and family to remember, when they look back in years to come and assess their choices and behaviour, at the time.

Divorce priorities

When I discuss with my clients the various separation resolution processes including mediation and coaching, I very much focus them on their priorities, for themselves and their children, and what they are hoping to achieve.

They very often tell me that they want:

·        A ‘fair’ outcome– Fair has many parts to it (subjective as well as objective) although I usually discover that what couples mean by fair is a process in which they feel that their views and factors  of most importance to them have been heard, understood and sufficiently taken into account and an outcome which ultimately includes enough of the things or meaning and importance (Priorities, preferences, values, interests, needs) to each and both of them (see below).

·        at minimum cost

·        with as little stress as possible and

·        to be able to feel in some control over the process and timeframes

When I delve deeper and help them to develop a clearer picture of their ‘desired separation outcome’ (their future reality for themselves and their family) they often reveal other things of importance to them (Values, Interests, Needs, Self ID), such as:

·        Healthy, happy kids as unaffected as possible by the inevitable disruption that separation invariable causes

·        Better communication, which can take many forms.

·        A more connected co-parenting relationship, enabling them to raise healthy happy children together, despite the separation

·        Greater clarity about the future which often means clarity about how everyone’s financial needs are going to be met

·        Greater sense of agency which often means a greater sense of pride, security, confidence and self- worth so that they can take on the challenges of post separation life and thrive in the future.

So when separating couples emerge from the ‘other side’ of the divorce process, with as many of these aspects and priorities achieved, they might describe their divorce as a ‘good one’ or at least ‘good enough’.

The separating couple must be the final judges of whether their divorce was a ‘good (enough) one’ or not.

Family mediation team

As a mediator and coach I believe that separating couples stand the best chance of achieving as many of these things as possible, things that are most important to each of them, if they use a process which keeps them at the centre of the decision making process and values the principle of ‘self-determination, connectedness and agency’, enabling them, with expert support, to work together to craft outcomes which meet  as many of their specific and very personal needs and requirements

Where it is suitable, I recommend the process of family mediation and specifically my model of ‘Mediation Teaming’ which puts the couple at the centre of the process, helping them to work together with the mediator (and other family professionals, when needed) as an integrated solution focused team, making their own decisions and crafting their own agreements, based on their priorities.

Over the last 30 years of practicing as a family solicitor, Collaborative legal practitioner, Mediator (Family, Workplace and Commercial) and Divorce coach, I have found this process to be the most efficient and cost effective, providing the separating couple, if they really want to, with an opportunity to shape their own post separation futures, creating a new reality for themselves and their children, built on the things of most importance to them

This would be a good divorce.