John and Mary had been married for 10 years and had three children. Over the years the relationship had always been somewhat rocky but in the last three years, it took a turn for the worse. John had lost his job and Mary became the sole earner for the family. Life as a stay at home dad proved difficult for John. Mary also found the situation difficult as she went to work daily and on her return home she would find the chores that John had not thought to tackle waiting for her.
The children were in school during the day and John would pick them up and take care of them till Mary came home. Slowly, however, something had crept up on him, a sort of paralysis, a negative mind-set about himself, as well as a tinge of jealousy because Mary was doing so well in the workplace – and the doubt that he would ever do as well again. As if to compensate for this, he became more domineering in the relationship, especially with the household finances. The imbalance further taxed their already strained relationship until Mary just couldn’t cope anymore! She had tried to help John with his confidence and self esteem. She supported him looking for work but became worn out and burned out feeling she had nothing more to give to the relationship.
At her request John reluctantly moved out. However with no friends, no family and with no support, John’s behaviour became more vindictive, aggressive and obsessive. He felt a need to punish Mary and inflict as much pain as possible.
John chose the legal route to take custody of the children away from Mary. This was the beginning of two terrible years. Both lawyers did their best to WIN. Exaggerations and outright lies got mixed with a semblance of truth, and after a long and bitter battle, a judge decided the custody of the children would be shared. For them both, it felt like a defeat.
And while they had had something of an understanding of each other before the proceedings began, now that they were going to HAVE to work together in co-parenting, even though they HATED each other.
Such a weak and difficult position to start a new page in their life as co-parents. Both were terribly wounded by the legal process, and whatever trust they might have had for one another was gone. The words that were said during the court case, the exaggerated accusations and the depersonalisation of the court case, made it hard for them to forgive and forget. The events will remain etched in both of their minds as absolutely traumatic.
It was shortly after John and Marys divorce that Peter and Sue found that their relationship was in trouble. Sue and Mary had been friends and Sue had been a pillar when Mary needed a friend. Now it was Sue’s turn to need support. She had found out that Peter was having an affair, a serious affair. They had two children and Sue had given up her much loved career and her independence to raise them. Peter was away a lot of the time for work and Sue was often home alone and lonely. She was devastated! And she was angry, resentful, and SO angry! She asked Peter to leave and wanted to never see him again. Mary was there for her and was a listening ear to her friend but she was still scarred from her own divorce. She could’t help but worry however about the divorce process but latterly had become aware of a conflict coaching service for couples in the area where she and Sue lived.
Sue was in no mood to make concessions but she knew very well the intense trauma Mary had gone through and after some pondering, she decided to call and book an initial coaching session for herself.
The session turned out to be very therapeutic. Sue talked about her marriage, her pain and the coach listened and listened some more, empathising and giving her time and space to unravel her emotions. People in pain can be extremely irrational. Sue greatly benefited from the initial coaching session and agreed to have another. After a few sessions, the validation and coaching she received from the coach enabled her to get to a place where she could look at her situation more rationally and address her concerns about the children. Now that her anger was somewhat abated, she realised that the children loved and needed both their parents and she cared about them too much to try and deprive them of their father. This is not to say that she hadn’t thought of this when she was angry. But talking it over with the coach made all the difference. She recognised that Peter was a good dad, and however difficult it was to admit, she couldn’t deprive her children of his care.
The couple’s coach asked whether Peter would like to see her and he agreed. He also was distraught and was missing the children. He was struggling with feelings of guilt and ambivalence between his relationships but was determined he wanted an arrangement for the children. He would go the way of the courts if necessary but he was willing to give coaching a chance.
After a couple of sessions with Peter, and at the couple’s request, the coach set up a joint meeting. This was a meeting with a specific future focused agenda, where they could communicate about the specifics that were important to each of them. The conflict coach simply acted as facilitator.
Sue and Peter both agreed that their primary concern was the children. Sue felt that she was going to need to go back to work. Childcare had to be arranged. Peter also, needed to make some big adjustments if this was to work. He realised how much he had leaned on Sue for the running of the household, and he was now considering having the children for part of the time.
The agenda had already been set with the help of the coach and both Peter and Sue were composed throughout, although Sue struggled a few times and had to pause. The emotions were still raw, and in this initial joint meeting, they agreed on a temporary arrangement for Peter to have weekend visitation, to be reviewed in a month’s time. In the meantime, Sue would be looking for work. During the next meeting, they both agreed to an alternate week parenting arrangement. Peter had to make some changes in his work and with some additional child care is now able to cope with being a single parent every other week.
Once the parental responsibility was agreed, it was easier to work on the rest of the issues. A specific plan was laid for financial responsibilities and communication about important decisions concerning the children.
The benefit of couples coaching in separation is that the outcomes are fully in the hands of the parties, not a judge, lawyers, or anyone else. The conflict coach is merely a facilitator. The parties decide and that is crucial. It is much more difficult to accept a decision that feels like a loss when it is imposed on you, as it is with a judge’s decision.
In the end, the decision they made was the same as the one their friends John and Mary had handed down by a judge but the difference in the process, the gentleness and humanness of the couples coaching process had made it possible for both of them to start healing there and then and to lay a foundation for their future lives joined by co-parenting.
After seeing the tug-of-war and suffering both John and Mary went through in the divorce by taking the legal route, they both felt an inner sense of relief that it had gone so well. They had passed the rocks and pitfalls of emotional early breakups with the support of a couple’s coach. It laid the foundations for clear communication in their co-parenting.
Antonia Jenkins- Conflict Resolution Coach, workplace and community mediator