She says to me;“I don’t understand what’s happened. I don’t recognise him any more. He has changed so much”

He says; “I couldn’t go on living like this. For me, it was over years ago”

I am John Hind, a full-time mediator, lawyer, NLP practitioner and conflict management coach.

These are two of the opposing narratives I so often hear in my mediation work with separating couples.

This is not surprising in itself but what does surprise me again and again is the fact that two narratives can be so very different.

I sometimes wonder whether I am speaking to two people from the same relationship!

So, how can this be and how can it have got to this stage?

Sometimes, and particularly men, often need someone else to come along, whether they are the right or wrong person for them, to show them love and interest, for them to realise that their emotional needs have not and are not being met by their current partner and for them to feel brave enough to leave.

There has been one repeating theme in my conversations with such men over the years, which is ‘fear’ and, specifically fear of being on their own. It seems that men are not good at being on their own! During the 25 years or so of working as a family solicitor and mediator I have only known a handful of men who have left their partners to be on their own!

What also surprises me, with so many of these men, is that they have never told their partners how they felt. Some will say to me that ‘she never listened”, or ‘I tell her but she just doesn’t understand”.

Whatever happens over the years, it happens gradually, as the couple drift apart, becoming less communicative, more irritated with each other and less intimate.

My own view is that if many of these men had been more honest with their former partners and more insistent about seeking some joint help from a therapist or counsellor, their relationships may well have been saved.

A therapist would have helped them identify and understand their feelings and gone on to help and support him to manage these and discuss these with their partner who will also have needs they felt were not being met. It is of course a mutual ongoing discussion that every healthy partnership should regularly have.

This way, the man’s decision to leave will not come as a complete shock to his partner, if and when it happens.

The men I speak to often tell me that they have they found it difficult to explain their feelings to their former partner and, having failed to do so, they have reached the conclusion themselves that they can no longer live with them. The easiest thing to do for many of these men is to simply disengage, disconnect and separate, often leaving them with intense feelings of failure, responsibility and guilt, for the pain caused to their former partner and children, if there are any.

Then, what often happens, is that this sense of failure, responsibility and guilt only continues until the man begins to feel angry and frustrated with the way he is “is being made to feel”, by his former partner who he wouldn’t have left “had she not behaved in the way she had during the relationship”.

She, on the other hand, is angry and shocked at having been “abandoned without explanation”, feeling rejected and cannot hold back her anger and blame. From her perspective, I often hear the words “ I don’t recognise him any more, he has changed so much”.

The truth of the matter is that she has probably never seen him in this situation, under the kind of stress and pressure which often accompanies this intense sense of guilt and responsibility, which many men find it difficult to deal with hence, the disengagement, disconnection and anger.

And all because the couple did not properly talk about their feelings.

My reflection is that, in all these circumstances, the men either found it difficult to understand their feelings or to be honest with themselves about what they wanted and needed from their partners. As a result, ultimately, they found it difficult, if not impossible, for many reasons, to be open, honest and articulate these feelings to their partner, often fearing the response they might get, without ever trying.

By the time they arrive at the mediation, it is often too late for the separating couple to do anything about “getting back together” and of course this is not the purpose of mediation. Having said this, it is not unusual in mediation, when I slow things down and begin to ask questions, and the couple are encouraged to reflect on what has happened, they to begin to see their circumstances and each other from a different perspective and “in a new light” and understanding.

Sadly, far too often, I hear; “This is the first time I have heard you say that”, as each person opens up about how they felt during the relationship.

Essentially, separating couples create their own narratives about what has happened and why it has happened, depending on their perceptive lens through which they have experienced the events and upon which they judge these events and each other. This often results in deep misunderstandings and radically different perceptions, leading to deep-rooted anger and blame which in turn leads to the eventual breakdown of the relationship.

In mediation, when discussing the future, their child and financial arrangements, I always strongly encourage and support the separated couple to consider each other’s views and feelings from different perspectives and to accept their partner’s narrative and version of events as a valid and legitimate even if it is not how they see or saw things.

The key to successfully sorting things out in mediation and a successful future parental relationship, is to be honest with each other, honest about what has happened, and honest about what they now each want and need from each other, for themselves and of course, their children.

Mediation may be the first time this actually happens!