These are notes I took from a presentation given by Bill Hewlett last year which i have integrated into my practice.
Dear Bill, please forgive any misrepresentation of your presentation. I have done my best but, at best, it can only be my representation and memory of what I took from this particular presentation, ‘deleting, distorting and generalising along the way to create my narrative of my experience of the presentation’.
Notes taken from presentation by Bill Hewlett at the FMA Conference 23 September 2015
The context is the various degrees of attachment, trauma we deal with as family mediators
Just listen to the blame scenarios
Listen and see the lack of reflection, lack of context which is evidence of trauma, less relationship aware, less conflict competent, propensity to hold someone responsible and resist reflection ie this lack of self – awareness and propensity to blame existed before the other person came along.
Their truth is one based in a reinforced narrative about the other person. Locked into a story making them feel better about themselves- see texts on narratives and how we use them to provide ourselves with security ie conflict pivots.
The mediators challenge – We need to help them while allowing them to retain and protect their integrity, self worth, self image. What does this require of them and us?
Children of parents in conflict are so busy monitoring mum and dad and walking a tightrope, that they are not learning empathy, reflecting, enjoying the present, collating info about themselves and learning how to forgive.
The client profile
Most of our clients have the mental capacity to create the alliance needed to parent their children and/or reach mutually beneficial financial future arrangements- The mediator needs to remain hopeful and optimistic for their clients and make sure that the clients feel this.
Our pre frontal cortex is hardwired to help us pick up what people need, to pick up cues etc. It is the part of the brain that ensure an awareness of self and others.
The equipment is there but not the practice. Many clients are stuck in a blame narrative they have rehearsed and polished to perfection for years such as why the person has ruined their my life. This is the mental file or memory they most review, which is the most thumbed and familiar.
This is all about the protection of self. This is a very efficient way of telling and convincing self that you are safe but this becomes part of a fixed mindset and shuts down the ability to consider other scenarios and possibilities ie a growth mindset. The thought says ‘I’ll keep you safe by thinking the worst. I will assume you are being hostile and that when I am not there you are most probably criticising me. This means that when in mediation I am likely to mis cue (misunderstand, misperceive, assume) what you mean. This becomes my reality about you, not a theory I have about you, but very real. This does not of course make it true and it is the mediators job to help you.
Expand on profile and what is happening in the brain (crocodile brain) and behaviour and why. The mediator needs to understand and help the clients understand so that they can begin to manage their behaviours but slowly, slowly because the mediator is often dealing with very fragile egos and self identities.
So what can we, the mediator do?
The mediator needs to help you access the pre frontal cortex-The hypo campus – episocus memory- the relational brain, to help you make a sense- this shuts down when feel danger- so I am going to repeat the narrative until the mediator acknowledges-
This is part of the brain designed to help but it is being told that it is not needed because it is in a state of high alert. You are stuck in high alert which requires a different part of the brain.
Over the years, you have built a warehouse of resentment which shapes your behaviour and how you interact with your former partner which is acted out in mediation.
We need to empower the person to access the hypo campus so that person can begin to understand why they are in conflict and possibly begin to consider different and other perspectives. The first stage of this may be the possibility that the other person has a perspective different to our own but not that they are right and we are or have been wrong.
The mediator needs to work on this because there may be a constant tusle going on between the hypo campus associated with self awareness, empathy and the amygdala telling to shut down and mistrust the other person.
We need to get good at stimulating person’s natural instinct to believe in the good aspects of themselves and the other person.
We need to calm the amygdala down from making instant decision most of which are biased (blame narrative) so that the hypocampus can begin to influence and lets the person have momentary insights.
Before the person can begin to be receptive ie conflict competent, emotionally ready, we need to encourage the amygdala to have a snooze. It is no good arguing with the clients crocodile brain. We would simply add to the conflict. We need to calm that part of the brain first.
Neutrality/impartiality- You have to make a deep connection with person coming into mediation. This is best done in the pre-mediation meetings.
Profile- We know what value system the client holds dearly because they will tell us what they dwell on and focus on most about the other person which frustrates them etc Ultimately, clients want us to believe that they are not like the other person and that the situation they are in and how they describe the other person is not how they normally behave.
They want the mediator to believe that they are coming from a place of good intent.
We need to recognise the good intent and acknowledge this.
You can discern what they want to hear. They are telling you what matters to them. Which sense of identity being threatened, what matters to them. See books on negotiating with emotions-Ury and the conflict pivot-Tammy Lenski (see questions in book)
The mediator needs to listen carefully to identify these and project back
‘What strikes me is that you are a person who deeply wants your children to have…I have this picture of you working hard (paint pictures)’ The mediator acknowledges the person’s good intent (despite their behaviour)- As a result their sense of self dislike is being lessened.
People who are angry with others are much more angry with themselves. They have to have a sense of good intent distinguished from their behaviour ie If it wasn’t for her doing this, I wouldn’t do this (blame narrative)
The sense of rightful indignation is being mollified. Their hypocampus is being activated, introducing pictures to help them understand why they are in the situation.
The mediator needs to keep engaging the person in this way until they get a sense that the person is ready for engagement ie slows down blaming, psych ready, conflict competent. Don’t rush.
Help me understand, because I am impressed how committed you are to children etc, so help me understand, so let me ask you this; (Reflective questions stimulating the hypocampus)
What does the mother say you do which justifies in her mind you not seeing the children.
Repeat this slowly if you need to because it can be a difficult question bearing in mind the person’s years of blame narrative
‘Well, she would say, I can be a bit loud…’
You don’t seem so loud to me. What does she say you do to make her think you are loud..
The client may resist.. but if we continue to stimulate the pre frontal cortex and hypo we can stimulate the client.
The mediator may hear a shift in language from very binary blame to a little bit of taking responsibility, reflection
What does she think your opinion is of her– We cannot ask this until they are ready and they are engaged. We cannot ask for this level of reflection until there is sufficient willingness and capacity. This is a way of checking psych readiness to engage in mediation
Try again…
‘She would say, I hate her’. The mediator repeats this, ‘she thinks you hate her’
If the mediator does all this while keeping the client calm etc they will then begin to see why they are in the situation and that they have a part to play in getting out of this conflict.
Begin to help the person to consider their part and what they are able to do to getting out of conflict.
So, is it possible she might say that she doesn’t want you to have the children because she thinks you might influence the children because you hate her (the implication being that if we could help her think differently about you, life might be easier for you)
This enables the person to rewrite how they might handle situation differently.
The mediator needs to bed in a different neurological pathway so it can be found again ie new piece of learning.
So, what would you do to help her decide that kids are going to see you? (ie to hate you less)
Each time the mediator takes the person a little further down the hypocampus route they may resist and resort to the more comfortable and self protecting blame scenario ie if she didn’t do this I wouldn’t hate her but she is a nightmare, personality disorder, can you blame me for how I feel. But, the mediator knows they are getting somewhere if the person says
I would be prepared to do x, y, z
Mediator- If you are prepared to smile at her etc what affect do you think it might have
Get them to explain what they are going to do and why.. Could you do that before you come to the next mediation- rehearse
In the pre-mediation meetings, they both decide to change their behaviour with their integrity intact so that when they get to mediation they have both softened.
Know when to back off when you can see that they are starting to reflect. Let their self reflective part of the brain do the work- pace your questions, thinking time – book re possibility thinking.
Always look to see whether some form of an alliance is possible.
Whatever they can manage is some form of an alliance.
The fundamental message is that you are both great parents. It is just that the relationship does not suit you. The children’s behaviour is the result of unsuited relationship ie conflict so the challenge is to create a working co-parenting alliance that works for everyone.
We are at our most effective when planning for the future.
For the sake of the alliance, they need to learn to cue each other differently to avoid triggers.
The mediator needs to work in some detail with what it is they can each do differently to prevent themselves and the other mis cuing – see my article on diffusing conflict in mediation.
What does he/she say that causes you to react in this way
What could Sheila do for you to feel that she is committed to an alliance/better parent relationship with you ? How, when etc. Work in detail.
‘Well she would say, go for it kids, have a great time with Dad….’
She would be extremely willing to talk to you at the house.
How would that make you feel.
It would make me feel more secure and I wouldn’t ring you all the time.
It looks to me that if you did X and you did Y, things would improve for you both and the children.
Help them see the connection, to cue each other…
Pictures, details, cues, change behaviours, write out on flip chart
Humour-‘ If you do a really good job at this, the kids may even misbehave’.
The children.
Help the client reached the conclusion that if they do this life will be easier ( connection between getting on with each other and improvement in children’s behaviour)
Children are completely focused on relationship between parents to which they link their sense of safe.
When they feel safe, they are more creative, imagination, greater capacity to be themselves. Less busy just surviving, living in an unstable, rocking boat, exhausting.
Start of mediation
When you bring them together. Establish a tone which is forgiving ie
Having met you both it is very clear to me that you are both completely committed to improving things for your children in this difficult situation.
Talk to them knowing what they are capable of. Talking about optimism.
Influence how they feel, not what they decide.
Let’s talk about how you might feel if you could both get to the point of…..How would that feel (NLP-mediation)
Help to create a new mantra,
We are going to do this for our kids rather than rightful indignation
Speak with compassion. If grenade, give impression that do not know what they are talking about
PHASES
Carry out a profile and context assessment -state of mind, personality, communication dynamic etc
Purpose of mediator in assessment and later in mediation
What and how- help and support them both to
Move from blame narrative to reflective state of mind while preserving integrity
Move focus away from positions and what they want ie 50/50, entitlement
Consider part they can each play in reducing conflict ie responsibility
Consider what it is that is triggering or miscuing both of them
Consider new possibilities for co-operation ie alliance
Rehearse different cues and behaviours
Focus on what the children need
Sequence of preparation for mediation and skills used
John Hind-Compass Resolution Ltd