When you argue and fall out with someone and they hurt your feelings what do you normally do?

• Let it go. If you do, well done!
• React defensively and then let it go.
• React defensively and don’t let it go, needing the last word.
• Don’t react but hold resentment, waiting for another time to ‘make them pay’

How and why you respond can be complicated or it can be quite simple, you decide!

You might say that it is not that simple and depends on ;

• Your ability to self manage your tendency to react
• Who the other person is? Are they someone you respect or someone you dislike
• What they say and do? Did it attack a core aspect of your identity or belief system?
• Your belief about their intention
• And so on?

The fact of the matter is that the more YOU allow the other person’s behaviour, what ever it is and whatever the motive, to affect you, the more ‘power’ you give it over you and the more likely the ‘bad feeling’ and conflict is to continue.

If you can truly learn to master any tendency you have to respond negatively, you will lead a more peaceful, empowered and balance life and those who depend on you to react to their manipulation will simply go away and seek another soul to torment but watch out for the coercive controller (subject of a separate article).

There are many things you can do to empower yourself and manage your responses.

First, you must commit to wanting to change how you respond (new behaviour patterns). What is your WHY, your motivation for change?

Second, you must reflect to understand yourself. How self aware are you of your hooks and triggers, your personality tendencies, your strengths and vulnerabilities…..

Third, you must seek to understand the other person and why they behave in they way they do but, remember, you are unlikely to be able to change them. That is for them.

So, focus on what you can change, YOURSELF.

Look out for a series of articles on this site over the coming months on tips to manage how you respond to attacks and antagonistic behaviour.