‘Fairness’? What on earth does that mean?

John E Hind
Categories: general, Teaching

‘Fairness’, what does it mean? What part does it play in resolving disputes?

Context aside, this article explores what people generally mean when they say, ‘I want a fair outcome’.

Family law for example sets out a ‘fair outcome’ as the ultimate objective of a divorce settlement and seeks to provide legal principles and legal factors against which to measure this.

But, for those involved in domestic conflict, achieving fairness can be feel more personal and often more complicated than applying a set of principles and legal factors.

Unless each person feels that the final outcome is fair enough for everyone, an agreement will not be reached.

Why is it for example that most people would refuse a gift of £10 from a possible gift of £100 even if it means that they are left with nothing. Is it perhaps the fact that they know that the other person in the running for the £100 will receive £90, for no apparent reason other than they were in the right place at the right time. So, they would rather have nothing than £10!

Is it because it simply feels unfair.

But, why does it feel unfair. This is what we explore in this article.

Have you ever heard; ‘I don’t care how much it costs to take you to court’ or ‘it is a matter of principle’

We are emotionally connected to our beliefs

When we feel that a value or belief we hold dear is being threatened we react to defend it. Emotions drive conflict!

It is unhelpful to assess conflict in rational terms. So often, I experience intractable dispute resolved by gestures of mutual respect, recognition, acknowledgement and apologies. This is great news because none of these cost anything, well materially anyway.

This should be useful to know for all of us and particularly those professionals working in the dispute resolution professions because emotional expressions act as an indicators of the values, beliefs and concerns that need attention and provide us all with a possible way through what often seem like intractable disputes.

The fact is that we all have multiple identities based on a multitude of values and beliefs which we protect and which we often need recognising and respecting.

We create our own stories/narratives about past events which we play over and over again and share with others so that they become ‘our reality’ but, of course the truth is that two people can create very different narratives about the same set of events which they are willing to fight for and protect, often at great cost to themselves and everyone around them.

We become trapped by our narratives which manifest as ‘blame narratives’ when things haven’t or don’t go our way. This way we can blame others and avoiding taking any responsibility. This serves to keep our beliefs and values safe. This becomes our language of ‘fairness’

So what can be done?

There are some very effective responses

If you show that you are willing to accept some responsibility for the situation you find yourself in you are far more likely to win empathy, trust and a willingness from the other person to reciprocate.
If you are willing to explore what the other person wants and show a willingness to understand their perspective, they are far more likely to do the same.
By demonstrating a willingness to listen, you demonstrate a respect for the other person’s views and perspectives, even if you disagree with them. Listen for the value or belief that is causing the reaction. If you are not sure, ask! ‘ when I said this, you reacted really strongly. Please help me to understand why. We can then talk about what we might be able to do differently to avoid this happening again…’
If you want to resolve a conflictual situation, it is crucial that seek to understand the other person before you seek to be understood by them. This must of course be a mutual process to succeed but someone has to take the lead!
Focus on share beliefs and values. For example, if you are parents, focus on the shared belief and determination to find a solution that ensures that your children feel secure. We all share basic beliefs about humanity which we can choose to focus on or not.
Keep in mind what is stake, whether it is the health of a nation or the health of your children.
Core or ‘sacred’ values cannot be traded, only recognised and respected so, look for ways to do this and the material dispute may resolve itself.
Look for the ‘ levers to pull’ in dispute. By levers I mean, if the person seeks recognition of his or her integrity or role as a parent, status or independence, then give them this. Again, it often costs very little and achieves a great deal.

The mediator’s role is to create an environment within which all this can happen and empower people to behave in this way so that they can reach an outcome for themselves which they all feel is ‘fair’ and achieved as a result of a fair and balanced process.