This second blog focuses the ‘tough area’ of self-management and recommends 3 more things you really need to do if you want to resolve things in mediation, when your relationship comes to an end s to do.

Be able to manage your emotional responses

Feelings around separation and divorce can be some of the most intense around, ‘flooding the rational senses’ and threatening to take you over. The mediator will help you, to some extent manage these in mediation but it is a joint effort in the sense that you will have to do your utmost to manage these yourself.

The first step is to understand why you might be experiencing them, which makes it more possible to ‘take them on’ and begin to work on personal strategies which enables you to take charge of them rather than the other way around.  You can then use these personal strategies both in and outside mediation.

Resist the tendency to criticize, blame and punish

Part of being able to manage your own emotional responses is resisting the urge, tendency and temptation to defend or justify yourself from what you hear, perceive and feel is an attack on you, what is important to you and what you may be asking for. It is very natural to want to ‘hit back’ by blaming when someone makes you angry ie “If you didn’t do this, I wouldn’t need to do this”.

Mean what you say–

If you are able to resolve things with your former partner in mediation it is essential that you both commit yourselves to making it work outside mediation otherwise, what is the point? Concerns that have not been dealt with in mediation have the habit of ambushing you in a very unexpected way, threatening to derail everything you and your former partner achieved in mediation.

Prepare yourselves for the challenges which will face you both when you leave mediation. You know what it is like, when you set a goal, everything seems to conspire against you achieving it.

A mediated outcome is no different so prepare yourselves by ‘reality testing’ the options you are exploring in mediation by examining some ‘what if’ scenarios in mediation ie if this happens how will we both respond.

If you are honest with each other and prepare in this way, the chances are that you will both feel in more control of yourselves, ready for the unexpected and in charge of events when the time comes and as they unfold.

GOOD LUCK

John E Hind-Lawyer/Mediator