During the first telephone call I usually ask what the person understands about mediation. I receive a variety of responses but they are usually very clear and usually about right as far as they go;

“It is when someone helps us both to sort things out things for ourselves but does not tell us what to do…”

“It is when we sit together to sort things out with your help”

“You help us sort out what we are going to do with our finances and the children……”

As you can see from this, people generally understand that the responsibility in mediation will be on them to work together and sort things out themselves but with help from a mediator. So why don’t more people use mediation, knowing that the alternatives are to do nothing, work something together for themselves, go to a solicitor and quite possibly end up in court spending many £1000s ?

I believe that this is because many people make assumptions about mediation, themselves and their spouse/partner many of which are very ‘limiting’. These ‘limiting assumptions’ act as emotional, psychological and intellectual barriers which limit the likelihood of entry into mediation and, even if they do mediate, they limit the likelihood of mediation being successful.

Having been asked what the person understands about mediation I often go on to invite them to take the next step towards mediation. At this point, if I am fortunate (because, quite naturally people often don’t say what they are thinking or mean, are not willing to share their fears or, are simply not prepared to take the next step because they don’t want the marriage to end) they often say things like; “yes but..”

“She has made up her mind already so I can see any point to it…”

“I feel at a huge disadvantage because he has always dealt with the finances..”

“She intimidates me and doesn’t let me get a word in.”

“He is so charming but really quite nasty and only wants his own way…..”

“I fear that she will pull the wool over your eyes”

At this point, I will usually acknowledge these concerns (since they are more often than not, quite real for the person) and ask them to elaborate. I need to know what the person is basing their thinking on or, put another way, what assumptions they are making. Having checked for safety and abuse issues I ask the person to consider possibilities. For example;

“What if it works, how different might life and the future be for you and the children..”

“What if, in mediation, your husband or wife were prepared to listen and work with you and me to work things out..”

People quite naturally have concerns and make assumptions based on their understanding of how mediation works and how it might work for them based on their experience of trying to sort things out with their spouse/partner on their own or on whether they think they have the confidence and ability to work together with the mediator…

“What if, you do not have to be in the same room. You could even arrive and leave at different times”.

“What if, I provide you with all the information and explanation you both need, when you need it.

“What if, I ensure that your views and concerns are heard and understood (not necessarily accepted)”

“What if, I ensure that you both have the opportunity and time to work through a whole range of options some of which you may not have thought about yet”.

“What if, I introduce you to the right expert at the right time if and when you both need them and then work with you and them to try and find a fair solution for you both. This could be a pension expert, an accountant or child expert for example because sometimes things can seem very complicated”.

“What if, it all gets too much you can take a break at any stage or, if it really does not work for you, you can simply bring it to an end at any stage, in which case you face the possibility of losing a few hundred pounds. But, if it does work you will have reach your own out of court settlement that will save you thousands of pounds to say nothing of the other emotional and practical benefits”.

“How does that now look and sound to you. Is it worth a go?”

I recommend to everyone considering mediation to find out as much as they can about mediation, research the web, speak to an experienced family mediator (who may also be a lawyer and therefore able to give you all the legal information you may need during the process) and, most importantly, give it a go and experience it for yourselves with commitment.

The chances are that it will work for you.

John E Hind

Director, Compass Resolution www.compass-resolution.co.uk

Family Mediation Services